


Distant Stars

by Of_stars_and_moon



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Break Up, Different House, Enemies to Friends to Lovers, F/M, First War with Voldemort, Fluff, Getting Back Together, Getting Together, Jily Wedding, M/M, Pining, Slytherin Sirius Black
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-03-06
Updated: 2019-08-04
Packaged: 2019-11-12 20:55:23
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 26
Words: 38,492
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18018281
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Of_stars_and_moon/pseuds/Of_stars_and_moon
Summary: (The story of Sirius Black, a Slytherin student as he finds friendship and love from someone he never expected)'The memory was still so new and clear, feeling like it was yesterday but an eternity away at the same time.In first year, Sirius would have never ever imagined that on his last day at Hogwarts, he would be lying on a roof, holding hands with Remus and listening to James and Peter.'





	1. Chapter 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wanted to write a Slytherin-Sirius fic from a long time so I thought why not?  
> This fic is from Sirius' sixth year to the first wizarding war. There are some warnings like depictions of violence and non-graphic character death in the last chapters but they would be mentioned in the chapter's notes.

Sirius walked out of the Potions classroom and started to make his way towards the dungeons. It was the beginning week of his sixth year at Hogwarts. It was good to be back here, away from his family. No matter how much he tried to become the person his family wanted him to be, he couldn't. 

 

Suddenly he stumbled into someone. He looked at the person, only to find that it was Potter.

 

"Watch where you are going, Black," Potter sneered. 

 

"Maybe you need to check your glasses. Or maybe you were too busy daydreaming about that Evans," Sirius said, smirking.

 

Potter took out his wand and aimed a jinx at Sirius, but Sirius quickly performed a counter-curse. 

 

"Stupefy!" Sirius yelled aiming at Potter. Potter fell back on the ground. There was a circle of students gathered around them now, all watching them.

 

"Impedimenta!" Suddenly Sirius was knocked back. He slowly got up and saw that it was Lupin, Potter's best friend, who had attacked him. He raised his wand-

 

"Black! Lupin! Stop!" It was Professor McGonagall, who did not look in a good mood at all. "What is going on here?" she demanded. 

 

"Potter started it," Sirius defended, "I was just-" 

 

"I will not hear any of your excuses," she said. "Mr Lupin, I think you should take Mr Potter to the hospital wing." She kneeled down near Potter, who was breathing unevenly. "And since Mr Potter is not in a good condition, I will see you both in detention tonight at 9 o'clock. And 20 points from Gryffindor and Slytherin." 

 

Frustrated, Sirius stormed off. 

 

\----

 

As Sirius went into the transfiguration classroom, Professor McGonagall and Lupin were already there. She held out her hand and they both gave their wands to her. "Come on, follow me." She led them to a storeroom near the dungeons. There were some pots in a corner with a tub full of water and some scrubs. "You will wash all these pots and then dry them. I'll be back in half an hour to check on you two," she said and left them. 

 

Sirius sighed in frustration and started walking towards the pots.

 

"Well, let's get this over with quickly," Lupin muttered as they reached the pots. 

 

"I will wash them and you dry," Sirius said. Lupin looked at him in surprise. "If we both wash and dry, it will take a long time and I don't wish to stay here for long," Sirius stated.

 

"Alright," Lupin said and they started working.

"Y'know, I kinda feel sorry for you," Lupin said after sometime. 

 

Sirius' head snapped up to look at him. "What did you just say? Why would you feel sorry for me?" he asked incredulously. 

 

"Because you haven't got anyone you can call best friend." 

 

"I've got friends so shut the hell up," Sirius growled, standing up. 

 

"Your 'friends' seem more like acquaintances," Lupin said matter-of-factly, and also got up.

 

"I don't give a fuck what you think.. and I don't even need friends.. Not like your Potter, that fucking blood traitor-" 

 

Before he could defend himself, Lupin's fist collided with his jaw which made him stumble back. He held his jaw, running his thumb over the split lip. 'God. That hurt.' He hurled himself towards Lupin and they both fell down, struggling with each other. 

 

Finally, Lupin grabbed Sirius' wrists and pinned him down on the ground. "Don't talk shit about my friends again," he warned, voice dangerously low. 

 

This was the first time Sirius had seen him this close. His amber eyes were flecked with green and there was rage in them. Suddenly being pinned down by him like this made Sirius' heartbeat increase, though he couldn't understand why. They were so close that he could feel Lupin's hot breaths over his face. 

 

The door opened suddenly. "I can't believe you two!" 

 

Sirius looked towards the door to find Professor McGonagall looking at them sternly. They both got up quickly. Professor McGonagall sighed in exasperation. "Another detention for tomorrow," she said and they both groaned in frustration. "And 10 points from Gryffindor and Slytherin. You two can leave now." With a last glare at each other, they both left the room. 

 

As Sirius went into the dorm, his dorm mates were already asleep. He changed into his night clothes and went into his bed. He stared at the canopy of his bed, wondering about Lupin's eyes. He had never seen anyone with eyes like that. They were so magical, it seemed like they were hypnotising- What was wrong with him?! Why the hell was he thinking of that Lupin. He rolled on his side, trying to not think about Lupin.

 

Instead his mind drifted to what Lupin had said. That he felt sorry for Sirius for not having a best friend. It's not like Sirius cared. It didn't matter if he didn't have a best friend. He didn't need one. He had Regulus. 

 

Though he couldn't deny that during first and second year, he was slightly jealous of The Marauders, (the nickname Lupin, Potter and Pettigrew had given themselves). Whenever he would see them talking and laughing with each other, he would feel kind of empty or jealous. Because they looked like a family. But then Sirius had gone used to it. This was what his life was like, and he had to learn to be content with that. 

 

Soon, he drifted off to sleep.

 

\---

 

The next day, their detention was supervised by Professor Slughorn. "Since you two didn't complete yesterday's task, you will finish it today," he said, motioned towards the pots. "It should be finished by midnight," he mused. "Don't get into another fight like yesterday. I will be in my office," and with that he left the room, closing the door behind him. 

 

Sirius turned to Lupin and frowned. He looked really sick, his face was pale and his eyes seemed tired. "You look like crap," Sirius stated.

 

"Gee, thanks," the other boy muttered sarcasticly.

 

"I am just saying that you don't look fine. Maybe you should have asked the Professor to keep your detention for some other day."

 

Lupin looked at him curiously for a moment before answering, "It doesn't matter. I am fine."

 

Sirius wanted to argue more but let it go. "Alright, whatever you say." 

 

They started walking towards the pots but Lupin swayed lightly. Sirius quickly caught him by the shoulders. He could feel Lupin's body heat even through the robes. He touched Lupin's forehead with the back of his hand. "Fuck, you're burning," he said, brows frowning in worry.

 

"I may have a fever," Lupin muttered, struggling to keep his eyes open.

 

Sirius made him sit down against the wall, kneeling in front of him. "You need to get some rest."

 

Lupin stared at him like he had suggested the most impossible thing. "Have you been body swapped?" he asked.

 

Sirius rolled his eyes. "There's no way you can work in this condition."

 

"But you can't do all the work yourself," Lupin argued, though his eyes were drifting shut. 

 

"This isn't up for discussion," Sirius stated. "It doesn't look like you can walk all the way to the Gryffindor tower so just rest here till Slughorn comes back."

 

It seemed like Lupin wanted to argue more but he sighed in defeat and closed his eyes, his head falling back against the wall. His chest heaved with steady breaths, lips slightly parted. 

 

Sirius wondered why he was so drawn to this boy. There was something different about him.

 

Lupin shivered in his sleep. Sirius shrugged off his cloak and put it over Lupin. He got up and walked to the pots. Looking around at them, he sighed. 'This was going to be tiring.'

 

As he finished drying the last pot, Lupin stirred awake, looking at him through sleepy eyes. "You did everything yourself?" he asked in disbelief.

 

Sirius shrugged. "You feeling any better?" 

 

Lupin nodded and his gaze shifted down to Sirius cloak covering him. He looked back up at Sirius with questioning eyes. 

 

".. You were cold and there was not a blanket here," Sirius explained. 

 

Lupin got up and handed Sirius' cloak to him. "You're not so bad after all," he said, mouth curving up into a smile. 

 

Sirius didn't understand why it made warmth pool into his belly. "Maybe not." 

 

"But I feel bad that I didn't do anything and you did all the work yourself," Lupin admitted. 

 

"It's not a big deal," Sirius replied. 

 

The door opened and Professor Slughorn entered the room. "You two seemed to have finished all the work," he said cheerfully.

 

Lupin opened his mouth to say something but Sirius cut him off, "Yes, Professor. We did. Shall we leave now?"

 

"Yes. Yes, sure." 

 

Sirius smiled at the Professor. "Goodnight, Professor." He turned to Lupin. "Goodnight, Lupin." 

 

"Goodnight, Black," the other boy said, a small smile on his lips. 

 

With a wave to the Professor, Sirius left the classroom. 

 

\----

 

The next two days, Lupin was nowhere to be seen, not at breakfast, lunch or dinner and not in any shared classes they had, which made Sirius wonder if he was alright. Potter and Pettigrew also seemed in a bad mood. 

 

On the third day, when Sirius was going to breakfast, he saw Lupin in a deserted corridor. "Hey, Lupin." Sirius walked to him. "Where were you for the past two days?" 

 

"I was sick.. I.. I had a fever," Lupin answered. 

 

"Oh, are you okay now?" 

 

Lupin nodded. "Yeah, I am fine," he said, frowning slightly. 

 

"Okay," Sirius said and continued walking, missing the confused look on Lupin's face.

 

All through breakfast, he kept glancing at Lupin, who was sitting with his friends. He just couldn't get him out of his head.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Reviews are love ^_^


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sirius has a life-changing realization.

Sirius groaned in frustration. "I hate History of Magic. It's such a stupid subject."

 

"I had told you to drop it," Regulus said from where he was sitting on the other couch in the Slytherin Common Room. 

 

Sirius glared at him. "You're not helping by teasing me." 

 

Regulus just shrugged and went back to his homework. 

 

Sirius sighed. Maybe he should ask someone for help. Someone who was good at studying. He couldn't ask any of his housemates because they would tease him. That left him with one person, a certain brown-haired boy, who was taking up most of Sirius thoughts lately. He got up. "I'll see you later, Reg."

 

"Where are you going?" Regulus asked. 

 

"To the library..um.. To find some books." He left the common room and made his way to the library. 

 

He found Lupin in the farthest corner, sitting alone on a chair writing something on a chair. As he walked to him, Lupin looked up. "Black? What are you doing here?" he asked. 

 

"I was looking for you," Sirius replied. 

 

"Oh.. er.. Why?" 

 

"Uh.. You study History of Magic, right?" 

 

"Yeah, I do. Why?"

 

"I.. I had to-" 'Come on, Sirius. Stop behaving like a child,' he said to himself. "I needed some help with that," he said finally.

 

"Oh.. You mean.. You need my help in studying for History of Magic?" 

 

Sirius nodded. 

 

"And you didn't ask your housemates because?" 

 

"Because they wouldn't agree and they would tease me," Sirius replied. "So will you help me or not?" 

 

"Okay, I will." 

 

Sirius bit his lip to stop himself from smiling with excitement. "But one thing," Sirius said, "I would prefer that no one knows about this.. Y'know I have a reputation and-"

 

"What would your housemates think? 'Sirius Black' taking help from a Gryffindor," Lupin said, smirking. 

 

Sirius chuckled. Lupin was really nice guy to be around. "Yeah, they would think I've finally gone crazy," he said as he sat down on the other chair. 

 

"Have you done the essay we had to do?" Lupin asked.

 

"Half of it," he said and handed the parchment to Lupin. Lupin's eyes flickered over the page and he bit his lower lip. It was obvious that he was trying not to laugh. "God! It's horrible, isn't it?" Sirius asked miserably.

 

Lupin let out a chuckle. "Maybe you should just rewrite it," he suggested. 

 

"Yeah, that sounds good," Sirius said and they started working on the essay. 

 

After almost an hour, they finished the essay. "So, you have any free class tomorrow?" Sirius asked as he started packing his bag. 

 

"Muggle Studies," Lupin replied. 

 

"Okay. I also have that class free. So see you tomorrow, Lupin." 

 

"Yeah. And I would prefer Remus instead of Lupin," he said. 

 

"Oh, Alright. Then I'll call you Remus. Okay, Remus?" he tested. It sounded good to say Remus' name. "And I would also be okay with Sirius, I think," Sirius admitted. 

 

"Okay, so see you tomorrow, Sirius." To hear him say Sirius' name made his stomach do a flip. 

 

"See you. Goodnight Remus," he said and left the library. 

 

\----

 

The following week was great for Sirius. Instead of just studying History of Magic, they had started doing homework together. Though only half of the time was spent studying, the other half spent with talking about stupid things and laughing. Sirius had never thought that he would like spending time with a Gryffindor so much, but Remus proved him wrong. It was crazy just how fast they had became friends.

 

"-And of course James took my joke seriously and read the poem to Lily in front of the whole common room. I was half drunk when I wrote that poem. That was crap." Sirius burst into laughter as Remus continued the story. "But it did make her laugh, so that was a big thing for James. He was very happy that day."

 

"God! That boy is crazy for her," Sirius said between laughs.

 

"You have no idea of the torture that me and Peter have to go through in the dorm when he talks about her," Remus said, laughing. 

 

Sirius stared at him for a moment, his laugh was adorable.

 

"It's getting late. We should go," Remus said, getting up. 

 

Sirius also got up. "See you tomorrow. Goodnight," he said. 

 

"Goodnight." Remus smiled and left the library. 

 

Sirius also started walking towards the Dungeons, feeling slightly empty. Remus, Potter and Pettigrew would probably be chatting or playing. 

 

As he entered the Slytherin Common Room, Regulus was there. "Hey, Sirius!" he said. "Where have you been?" 

 

"In the library," Sirius answered, sitting besides him. "What are you doing?" 

 

"Just some homework," Regulus replied distractedly, looking towards the door. 

 

Sirius followed his gaze, there were two fifth year girls coming into the common room. One of them smiled at Regulus as they went up the stairs. 

 

Sirius turned to Regulus. "You have a crush?" he asked.

 

"No!! I•• I•• there's someone I•• I like a bit."

 

"My little brother is all grown up now!" Sirius said dramatically. "Falling into the clutches of love, leaving me all alone!" 

 

"Shut up!" Regulus hissed, cheeks turning pink. "How••How do you know if you have a crush on someone though?" 

 

Sirius slung his arm around Regulus' shoulder. "Well, from what I've heard. Your heartbeat increases when you're around them, you think about that person all the time. You want to be around them. You like small things about them, their smile, their laugh, their eyes, their lips, everything," he explained. "So, you have a crush on her?" 

 

Regulus nodded. "I think, maybe. Yeah." 

 

Sirius smiled, ruffling his hair. "Who do you have a crush on?" Regulus asked. 

 

Sirius frowned. "Me?" 

 

"Yeah, who's your crush?" 

 

Sirius shrugged. "I don't have a crush."

 

"Stop lying. Everyone has a crush."

 

"I don't."

"Come on," Regulus whined. "There must be someone you like. Okay, who's the girl you think about most of the time and want to be around her all the time?" 

 

Sirius frowned. There was no girl he wanted to be around. He wanted to be around Remus most of the time but that was because he was fun, he made Sirius laugh and made him forget about everything else and made him want to never leave-- "I gotta go to sleep.. I•• I am really tired," he muttered before hurrying up the stairs, leaving a confused Regulus behind. 

 

He laid down on his bed, still in school uniform. Did he have a crush on Remus? That did explain a lot. Like, why he thought about him most of the time, why being around him was so calming, why he had sometimes found himself staring at Remus' light freckles or the slight curve of his lips or the fringes that fell on his forehead. 

 

Shit! Shit! Shit! He had a crush on Remus! Who was his friend! Who was a Gryffindor! Who was a boy!  
What would his family or housemates think if they found out. He ran his hands over his face. 'Stop panicking. It's just a crush,' he said to himself. 'and until you don't let it effect you or your friendship with Remus, everything will be okay. Everything will be fine.' 

 

He fell asleep after a really long time, mind filled with thoughts of a certain brown-haired boy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Kudos and comments are really appreciated <3 <3


	3. Chapter 3

The next day as they studied in the library, Sirius couldn't stop staring at Remus. His newly discovered crush made him notice small things about Remus, like how his magical eyes seemed to glow in the sunlight that was peering though the windows, making them look even more mermerizing. His curly hair was falling over his forehead and Sirius kept having an urge to run his hand through it. The top button of his shirt was open, revealing a light scar on his collarbone. There were also some scars on his wrists and neck. Sirius wondered where they came from but never asked. 

Truth be told, his crush on Remus was kinda effecting his studies because he would usually miss what Remus was saying as he would be more interested in the way Remus' lips moved with each word.

Right now they were studying for the upcoming potions test. "So the potion is colourless," Remus was reading the essay and Sirius had missed some of it.

"What does the potion do?" Sirius asked. 

"It makes a person speak the truth. Sirius, weren't you listening?" 

"Yes! Yes, I was. I was just•• kinda confused," Sirius lied. 

"Okay. If you say so," Remus said. "Are you sure you are alright? You look kinda lost sometimes." 

"I am perfectly fine," Sirius replied. 

"Alright. I have to go to class," he said picking up his bag. "See you later." 

"See you," Sirius said, smiling at him. 

Sometime later, Sirius also got up and started walking out of the library. 

On the way out, he found Regulus sitting on a desk with the girl he had seen in the common room yesterday. Sirius thought that they could use a little push. "Hey, Reg. What are you two doing?" he asked, standing near them. 

"Homework," Regulus replied. 

"Is this your friend or girlfriend?" he asked, smirking at Regulus. 

"She's my friend," Regulus replied shortly, cheeks colouring. 

"I am Sirius Black," he said and held out his hand. "You must have heard about me."

She shook his hand, smiling shyly. "I am Alina Rosewood. It's nice to meet you." 

"Nice to meet you too. She's a nice girl," he said with a wink at Regulus and walked away.

\----

"That's the Sirius star, right?" Remus asked pointing at a star. 

"Yeah, the brightest in the sky," Sirius replied.

Almost a month had passed. They had became really good friends now and Sirius' feelings for Remus were growing with each passing day.

They had just finished their astronomy homework and now they were talking about the stars. "It must be nice to see the stars and be reminded of your family members," Remus mused. 

Sirius shrugged. "It's nice to have Regulus but I don't care about others." 

Remus was quite for sometime before asking. "You don't like your family?" 

They didn't usually talk about Sirius' family. He shrugged, looking at the sky. "They are alright... But their views are really different from mine. Most of them are narrow minded, aristocrats, thinking they are superior. I don't like that about them. I don't know why I am telling you all this but before you I didn't really have friends. I only had Regulus. You're the first true friend I have ever had. I feel carefree around you. It's calming," he said, finally turning to Remus, who was looking at him, eyes soft.

"Well, I do have other friends but you're one of my best friends as well," he said, smiling. 

"Really? Like Potter and Pettigrew?" 

"Yeah, like them. Though I don't exactly feel calm around you. Because I keep trying to study and you distract me and then we spend our time laughing at stupid things so it's not calm, but it's fun. Really fun."

Sirius' face broke into a wide smile. He looked back at the sky, the almost full moon shining on them. He felt content.

\----

The next day, as Sirius went to the library before dinner, Remus wasn't there. They always studied before and after dinner. Sirius wondered where Remus was. He looked around the library but he was nowhere to be seen. He wasn't even in the Great Hall for dinner. 

Maybe he was sick or hurt and was in the hospital wing, Sirius thought to himself. After dinner, he went to the Hospital Wing but Remus wasn't there. He left the Hospital Wing, feeling lost. 

In the night sky, the full moon shone brightly and the low painful howls could be heard. 

\----

As Sirius went into the Great Hall for dinner the next day, his eyes met Remus', who was sitting on the Gryffindor table and Sirius immediately felt a rush of relief. 'Remus was okay!' 

He sat down on Slytherin table and kept stealing glances at Remus. Whenever their eyes would meet, he would feel a shiver down his spine.  
  


He left dinner early, pacing around a corridor. He had to talk to Remus. He hadn't seen him for two days!

Just then, a second year Hufflepuff girl walked through the corridor. "Hey!" Sirius called out to her. "Can you please do something for me?" 

She nodded. "Okay. What is it?"

Sirius took out a piece of parchment and scribbled down a note: 'Remus, meet me in the astronomy tower -S'

He folded the parchment and handed it to the girl. "Give this to Remus Lupin from Gryffindor. But don't tell him that it is from me, okay?" 

"Okay," she agreed and walked away. Sirius started walking towards the astronomy tower. 

\---

The door to the astronomy tower opened and Remus entered. "Hey, Sirius. You wanted to see me?" 

"Yeah, I hadn't seen you from two days! Where were you?" 

Remus fiddled with the hem of his jumper. "I••• My mom was sick•• I had gone to visit her."

"Is she alright now?" 

"Yeah, she's fine." 

"I had gone to the hospital wing yesterday after dinner to see if you were there," Sirius said. 

"Why?" Remus asked, looking at him intensely.

"I was worried about you," Sirius said softly. His gaze shifted to a scar that ran across Remus' jawbone and his neck. He reached out and slowly ran his thumb over the scar. Remus' breath hitched in his throat, eyes staring into Sirius'. "I missed you," Sirius muttered. All fear of his family and all differences forgotten, he leaned forward and kissed Remus. As their lips met, fireworks erupted in his chest. 

After few seconds, Remus put his hand on Sirius' chest, pushing him back slightly. "Sirius, Are you sure?" 

Sirius only nodded once, capturing Remus' lips in another kiss, already addicted. Remus grasped the front of Sirius' shirt, pulling him closer. Sirius backed Remus against the wall, one hand on his waist and the other one on the wall besides him. Kissing Remus was an ecstasy, something he never wanted to loose. 

They pulled back when oxygen became necessary. "Sirius what about yo-" Remus began but Sirius cut him off, "I don't care. I don't care about anything else. I just know that I want you. I like you. I really like you, Remus."

Remus smiled at him fondly. "I like you too. A lot." 

Sirius leaned his forehead against Remus', shutting his eyes. 

"It's getting late," Remus said, hand still gripping Sirius' shirt.

"Yeah, we should go," Sirius said, pulling back.

"See you tomorrow," Remus said.

"See you," Sirius smiled. Remus placed a quick kiss on Sirius' lips and walked away.

Sirius leaned back against the wall, smiling crazily.  
  
  


_The way you feel when you kiss him for the first time.._  
_Like fire within your bones..._  
_Like the soul has returned to your body..._  
_Like every part of you that came from a dead star,_  
_Is alive again..._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Reviews are really appreciated.


	4. Chapter 4

The next day as Sirius met Remus in the library, he greeted him with a quick peck on the lips. "Hey," he muttered.

 

Remus smiled at him brightly. "Hey. So, that's how I am going to be greeted now?" 

 

Sirius nodded and sat down next to Remus. 

 

"Have you done the homework for transfiguration?" Remus asked.

 

Sirius shook his head. "No, not yet." 

 

"Alright, let's work on that," Remus said and they started working.

 

After reading for sometime, Sirius got distracted by the alluring curve of Remus' lips and the way his tongue sometimes darted out to lick his lips. 

 

"Sirius, you aren't writing anything-" Remus looked towards him, and a blush crept up his neck as he found Sirius staring.

 

"I think there are better things to do than homework." Sirius smirked and leaned forward, capturing Remus' lips in a passionate kiss. Remus kissed him back enthusiastically. 

 

Sirius was so lost in the kiss that he didn't hear the distant sound of footsteps, until Remus pushed him away slightly. “Sirius, someone's coming. You need to leave.” 

 

Sirius quickly picked up his books and got up. As he started walking away, he bumped into Potter. ‘Great'. 

 

“What are you doing here?” Potter asked, narrowing his eyes at him.

 

“What is it to you?” Sirius glared at him.

 

“James, it’s nothing,” Remus said. “He had just borrowed a book and he was here to give it back.” 

 

James looked unconvinced but he nodded. 

 

“What are you doing here, Sirius?” Sirius turned towards the source of the voice. It was Narcissa, along with Bellatrix. 

 

“You haven't started hanging around with those blood traitors and Halfbloods now, have you?” Bellatrix asked, giving Remus and James a nasty look.

 

“Shut up, Bellatrix,” Sirius muttered, giving her a cold glare. He walked past them and made his way out of the library, mind racing crazily at the thought of what would have happened if they would have seen them together.

 

\--- 

 

The week passed swiftly. Days were spent by hand holding, stealing quick kisses between book shelves while studying, lingering gazes across halls or classrooms and subtle brushes while passing each other in the corridors. They would also meet in the astronomy tower often. It was like this safe haven. Remus would bring his friend Potter's invisibility cloak (something Sirius had been amazed by) when they would meet so it made it easier to sneak out now. 

 

But fate wasn't with them everyday. Sirius walked through the corridors, eyes searching Remus. They had agreed to meet yesterday after dinner. But, he had been stopped by Bellatrix and Narcissa, who seemed suspicious of his disappearances, so he couldn't go to the astronomy tower. 

 

He found Remus in a corridor walking towards him. "Hey, Remus," he said and walked to him. "I am so sorry I couldn't meet you yesterday I-" There were some voices from the end of the corridor. Sirius grabbed Remus' wrist and took him into a broom closet. "I had met Bellatrix and Narcissa yesterday on my way, so I had to stay with-" 

 

"Sirius. It's okay," Remus said. "It's not a big deal. It's not like you have an invisbility cloak like me." 

 

"Yeah, I wish I did." 

 

"We can just make up for the lost time now," Remus said, voice mischievous. 

 

Sirius smiled. "I like the way you think," he murmured before kissing Remus. He moved his hand under the hem of Remus' shirt, fingers stroking a scar on his bare skin. He could feel Remus shiver slightly.

 

He pulled back, hand still on Remus' waist. "Remus, where did you get those scars from?" 

 

Remus stiffed, looking at him with startled expressions. 

 

"You don't have to tell me if you don't want to. I was just curious," Sirius added hurriedly. 

 

Remus worried his lower lip before speaking. "I.. I had," he sighed, "I don't like talking about it."

 

"Okay. Okay, I promise I won't ask again," Sirius said solemnly. 

 

"It's almost dinner time," Remus said, voice filled with disappointment. 

 

"Yeah, we should go," Sirius said, already feeling empty. 

 

"Yeah.. See you tomorrow after lunch," Remus said. 

 

"See you." Remus left the closet and Sirius sighed. It was obvious that Remus was hiding something, but Sirius didn't want to intrude his privacy. If Remus didn't want to share it, it was okay with Sirius. 

 

\----

 

Now, they had more places where they could meet, like empty classrooms, broom closets where no one would see them. 

 

One day after lunch, Remus and Sirius were walking through a deserted corridor, when they heard chatter of some students. Sirius quickly grabbed Remus’ hand and opened the nearest door.

 

As they entered the room, they stopped in their tracks. The room was empty except for a wardrobe in the middle of it. "What is this?" Sirius wondered out loud. 

 

"I don't know," Remus replied walking towards the wardrobe. He took out his wand. 

 

"It seems like a bogga-" Before Sirius could finish, Remus opened the wardrobe. To Sirius' surprise, he saw himself walking out the wardrobe. "I hate you," the boggart sneered at Remus. "I know what you are, you m-" 

 

"Riddikulus," Remus yelled, voice shaking. The boggart turned into a joker. Sirius turned to Remus, who had gone pale. 

 

"Remus, that was a boggart," he said walking to him. "Are you afraid of me hating you?" he asked in confusion. 

 

Remus didn't answer, eyes cast to the ground. Sirius cupped the side of his neck and tilted his head up so that he would look at Sirius. "You know that I would never hate you, right? No matter what," he said earnestly. 

 

Remus smiled but it didn't reach his eyes. "Let's just go. Otherwise, we will be late for class," he said and they left the classroom, going to their separate classes. 

 

Sirius thought a lot about the boggart over the next days, wondering why Remus' biggest fear would be Sirius hating him. He couldn't find any answers to that and asking Remus wouldn't be a nice thing to do. Over some weeks, he forgot about it. 

 

\---

 

"See you tonight?" Sirius asked as they got up after finishing their homework. 

 

Remus bit his lower lip. "I can't."

 

"Why?" 

 

"..um.. I've to visit my parents.. My mum.. She's sick." 

 

"Again?" Sirius asked. 

 

"Yeah.. It's.. It's a muggle disease." 

 

"Oh.. Then I guess I'll see you when you come back," Sirius said. 

 

"Yeah.. I may be back by tomorrow," Remus replied. "Or after that."

 

Sirius managed a smile, ignoring the feeling of disappointment in him. "Okay.. Take care of yourself. You look really tired." He placed a soft kiss on Remus' lips and left the library. 

 

He didn't see Remus after that so he assumed that Remus had left. Through the whole day, it felt like something was missing, he kept thinking of Remus. It was crazy just how much he has became used to being with Remus. The moments they spent together were the best part of his day. 

 

But it also scared him, his feeling for Remus kept getting more intense each day. And he was scared that it was becoming more than just a crush. 

 

He was sitting on his bed, trying to do some homework but his mind kept wandering to Remus. There was still time for curfew so he thought about going for a walk. As he went down into the common room, there were some third years studying. 

 

"A werewolf is a human being who upon the complete rising of the full moon, becomes a fearsome and deadly wear-wolf. This condition is caused by infection with lycanthropy," A girl was reading out the essay. "The monthly transformation of a werewolf is extremely painful if untreated and is usually preceded and succeeded by a few days of pallor and ill health," she continued. 

 

"What are you all doing?" Sirius asked. 

 

"We have to write an essay about werewolves," the girl replied. 

 

"Quite a coincidence that we are writing it on the night of the full moon," another one mused. 

 

"What are the symptoms of a werewolf?" a boy asked as they continued reading.

 

"In human form, they aren't distinguishable. They might have scars from the transformation and usually their eyes are of an unusual color," she stated.

 

Sirius realized that today was the full moon and his heart dropped into his stomach. Remus was looking sick when they were studying. He had scars and his eyes were of a mysterious colour.

 

The whole world seemed to spinning. No. It wasn't necessary that Remus was a werewolf. He had just… He had gone to visit his mother. Sirius ran his hand through his hair. But what if he was? Sirius' body seemed to be frozen. He needed answers. He had to go to the library.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments are really loved :)


	5. Chapter 5

~~~~

Sirius sat on the library floor in a secluded corner, flicking through pages of different books. The truth was right in front of him, Remus was a werewolf. He didn't know what to think. He leaned his head back against a shelf and closed his eyes.   
  
  
All his life, he was told that werewolves were blood-thirsty monsters that didn't deserve to live. Was Remus a bad person? Was he just pretending to be nice? 

  
  


Sirius shook his head. No, that was a stupid thought. Remus was the kindest person Sirius had ever met. He always helped Sirius, and made him smile and he was still the same person. His family was crazy and what they said about werewolves wasn’t true.  
  
  
Suddenly the memory of the boggart came into his mind. Remus' biggest fear is Sirius finding out that he is a werewolf and hating him. As if he could ever hate him. But Remus' fear was reasonable. Almost the entire wizarding world saw him as nothing but a monster. Obviously he would have assumed the same of Sirius.   
  
  
It was almost curfew time, so Sirius hurried back to the dungeons, lost in thoughts.   
  
  
As he entered the common room, Bellatrix called out to him, "Hey, Siri! Which ghost did you stumble across?"   
  
  
Sirius frowned at her, trying to make sense of her sentence.  
  
  
"What she means," Regulus said, "Is that you look like you have seen a ghost."  
  
  
Sirius took a deep breath. He had to pretend like nothing was going on. He sat on the couch next to Regulus. "I don't know what you guys mean. I am perfectly fine."  
  
  
Bellatrix rolled her eyes. "Also, you're not around us anymore," she said, sitting down on a chair near him. "You keep wandering off."  
  
  
'Fuck. Not now.' Sirius thought. He really didn't want to have this conversation right now.   
  
  
"Who do you spend all your time with?" she asked.   
  
  
"Yeah. Have you got some new friends?" Narcissa narrowed her eyes at him.   
  
  
Sirius put on a perfect grin. "Who knows, maybe I am secretly dating someone." He knew they wouldn't buy it.  
  
  
Rosier let out a hallow laugh. "Sirius Black, ‘ _king of isolation’_ dating someone? Please."   
  
  
Sirius felt a rush of relief, they didn't believe him. But that relief didn't stay for long as Bellatrix said, "There is someone. Who is she? Certainly she's not from Slytherin because we would have known then. So, Ravenclaw?"   
  
  
"Please. They are too clever to go out with a Black," Sirius said, keeping up the facade.  
  
  
"Hufflepuff?" she asked.   
  
  
"Too nice for someone with a stone heart like me," he replied.   
  
  
"Gryffindor?" Narcissa asked, looking horrified.  
  
  
"No," Sirius lied. "You know, my type is more like," he thought for sometime, trying to come up with something that would shut them up, "Like blond hair, named after a flower and who has a crazy sister."   
  
  
He felt quite satisfied as Narcissa and Bellatrix gaped at him, while the others burst out laughing except for Lucius Malfoy, who glared at Sirius. "I didn’t thought you would say something like that, Black.”  
  
  
"Aww, Lucius," Sirius cooed, "I didn't know you love me so much. Don't worry, you are the only one for me."   
  
  
Regulus and some of the fifth years cracked up but the others like Narcissa, Bellatrix, Lucius, Rosier, Snape became dead silent.   
  
  
"They didn't get the joke, I think," Regulus muttered, only loud enough for Sirius to hear.   
  
  
"Yes, of course they didn't," Sirius mumbled. "I am going to sleep," he announced and left the common room.   
  
  
He shared the dorm with Lucius, Rosier, Mulciber and Avery and since they were all in the common room, the dorm was empty. He laid down on his bed. It didn't felt like he would be able to sleep tonight, knowing that Remus was a werewolf and was going through the transformation, which was so terribly painful. He didn't know what to do next. What would he say to Remus now?  
  
  
\----  
  
  
When he met Remus in the library before dinner the next day, he could see that Remus was putting on a mask over his pain, pretending like he was okay. But Sirius could see the tiredness in his eyes, could see the pain in the slight winces.  
  
  
He couldn't go on like this. He had to tell Remus that he knew about his secret and he didn't had to hide it from Sirius.   
  
  
"Can you meet me in the astronomy tower after dinner?" Sirius asked as they got up after studying. _'Please don't say no. Please don't_ _say no,'_ he prayed silently.   
  
  
"Okay, sure," Remus said and Sirius felt a rush of relief.   
  
  
\---  
  
  
Sirius was sitting in the astronomy tower, leaning back against the wall when the door opened and Remus came inside. He sat down besides Sirius, placing a soft kiss on Sirius' lips.   
  
  
"What do you want to talk about?" he asked.   
  
  
Sirius stared at him. "I didn't say I wanted to talk."  
  
  
"It was written all over your face," Remus said softly. "You were awfully quite while studying. So, it was obvious that there was something bothering you."  
  
  
Remus knew him too well. Sirius took a deep breath. "Remus, I know that you didn't go to visit your mom. And I know where you've got those scars from."   
  
  
All the colour drained from Remus' face. He averted his gaze to the floor, blinking rapidly. "Do you hate me now?" he asked in a trembling voice.  
  
  
"What- No," Sirius replied honestly. Remus' head snapped to look at him, expressions shocked. Sirius moved his hand to the side of Remus' neck, caressing it softly. "Remus, I could never hate you. I don't care that you are a werewolf. You're still the same person I like."   
  
  
"You don't care?" Remus asked in astonishment. A tear slipped from his eye and Sirius wiped it.  
  
  
"I don't, Re. I don't care." He leaned his forehead against Remus'.   
  
  
"You called me 'Re'," Remus murmured, smiling brightly.  
  
  
"Yes, I did," Sirius admitted, cheeks colouring.   
  
  
"I like it," Remus said, voice thick with emotions, before tilting his head to kiss him. Sirius could feel Remus' smile widen against his lips.  
  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This week was stressful due to studies so reviews are really appreciated :)  
> And you can find me on Tumblr under username [ "Of-stars-and-moon"](https://of-stars-and-moon.tumblr.com/)


	6. Chapter 6

As the Christmas holidays came closer, Sirius felt more miserable with every passing day. The thought of going back to Grimmauld Place and being away from Remus was disheartening.

 

He knew that the Christmas holidays would only be for some weeks but that seemed like an eternity away from Remus. 

 

The day he had been dreading from weeks was here, when they had to leave for Christmas holidays.

 

He and Remus were in the library, since everyone was either packing or already went to the Hogwarts express. The library was empty. Sirius had pushed Remus against a bookshelf, kissing him desperately, wanting to save the last moments.

 

"I will miss you so much," he murmured as he tilted his head to press kisses along Remus' jaw bone and neck. 

 

"I will miss you too," Remus breathed out.

 

"I almost forgot," Sirius said, pulling back. He fiddled through his bag and took out a box, handing it to Remus. 

 

"What is this?" Remus asked. 

 

"Your Christmas present," Sirius replied. 

 

"I..You got me a present? I didn't knew we could.... I didn't get you anything.. I am so sorry-" 

 

"Hey, it's okay," Sirius cut him off. "I saw this last weekend at Hogsmeade and I thought you would like it. Go ahead, open it," he said, smiling nervously.

 

Remus did as told and his face broke into a wide grin as he took out the brown colored muffler from the box. "Sirius, this is beautiful," he said in awe. "Thank you so much." He pulled Sirius in for a deep kiss. 

 

"Is there still someone in here?" Madam Pince's voice made them jump. 

 

"Shit, we gotta go," Remus said, hands still gripping Sirius' shirt. 

 

"Yeah.. I.. See you after holidays," Sirius said. 

 

"Take care," Remus managed a smile. "Happy holidays." 

 

"Happy Holidays," Sirius said. 

 

Remus placed a soft lingering kiss on Sirius' lips and walked away. Sirius braced himself on the book shelf, already feeling empty. He sighed before picking up his bag and made his way out of the library. 

 

\----

 

Christmas at home was alright. His parents had thrown a big family dinner in which all his relatives were present. Sirius had left and went to his room as soon as some of them had started talking shit about muggleborns and half-breeds.

 

Two days after Christmas was the day when things started changing for Sirius. 

 

He was walking through a corridor when he heard his parent's voices coming from his father's study and the door was slightly open. "I really think we should talk to them," It was his mother's voice. Sirius frowned, wondering what they would be talking about.

 

"There's no need for that," this time it was his father's voice. "They will do as we say."

 

"What if they don't agree. You know what Sirius is like. His views aren't like us or The Dark Lord's." 

 

Sirius had heard some talks about the Dark Lord, who was also called Voldemort. Someone who wanted purebloods to rule the wizarding world and wanted muggleborns and muggles to perish.

 

"The Dark Lord is rising," his mother said, "And I want our sons to join his cause. What if Sirius doesn't agree to join?" 

 

Sirius felt like someone had thrown a bucket of icy water over him. He couldn't breath. He stayed frozen on spot as his father continued talking. "Then we will make him. Don't worry, he will do as we say." 

 

"I have heard that the Lestrange family has joined the dark lord," his mother said. 

 

Sirius couldn't take it anymore. He quietly walked away and went to his room. He sat down on his bed and dropped his head in his hands. 

 

Everything was shit. He knew his parents would make him join the Dark Lord somehow. He couldn't do it.

 

There was a knock on his door which made him jump. "Sirius, are you awake?" Thankfully it was Regulus' voice. 

 

"Yeah. I am awake. Come inside," he said.

 

The door opened and Regulus entered. "I couldn't sleep," he said. "Can I sit with you for sometime?" 

 

"Of course. Come here." Sirius shifted to make space for him. 

 

Regulus walked to him and sat down next to him. "Why are you awake?" 

 

"I was just•• thinking," Sirius replied. "What about you?" 

 

"Nightmare," Regulus answered. 

 

"You can sleep here tonight. If you want," Sirius said. 

 

"Thanks," Regulus smiled at him and they both laid down. 

 

"You know," Regulus said after a while, "I had thought of asking Alina out after holidays."

 

"That's good," Sirius said.

 

"But I don't think I can," Regulus muttered. 

 

"Why?" 

 

"She's a Halfblood,” Regulus replied. “And Bellatrix and others don't like it when I even talk to her. They wouldn't be happy if I asked her out. And I don't want them to give trouble to her or tell mom and Dad about it."

 

Sirius sighed. This was what their life was like. Letting go of the things they wanted because of their family. He stared up at the ceiling, wondering what was going to happen now. They would have to join the Dark Lord. He couldn't even care about himself right now because all he could think about was that Regulus would have to join too. He didn't want that for his younger brother. He was just a kid. Maybe he could convince his parents to not make Regulus join.

 

"Enough of talking about me," Regulus said. "How's your 'crush that you don't have'?" he asked.

 

Sirius turned to him. "I told you there is no one." 

 

"And I know that you are lying," Regulus rolled on his back and crossed his arms over his chest. "You are keeping secrets from your brother." He pouted and Sirius felt guilty. He wanted to tell everything to Regulus but he couldn't. 

 

"Reg, I am sorry-" 

 

To his surprise, Regulus started laughing. "Calm down, I am just playing with you. You look so regretful."

 

"God, I hate you," Sirius groaned. 

 

"No, you don't," Regulus stated. He was quite for a while before speaking, "The paint is so dull here. Every room is so dark."

 

Sirius snorted. "It's just reflecting the darkness inside us." 

 

"Idiot," Regulus muttered. "You know, if I ever get a house. I will paint it with vibrant colours so that it has that home-type feeling. And I'll get those things••• Alina told me about them••What are those things that muggles use? um•• that Lanterns on ceilings." 

 

Sirius burst into fits of laughter. "You mean bulbs," he managed. 

 

"Yeah. Stop laughing. It's not that funny," Regulus scolded.

 

"Lanterns on ceilings. God, you're crazy," Sirius said, wiping the tears of mirth.

 

Regulus huffed, "I hate you." 

 

"No, you don't," Sirius repeated his brother's words, grinning widely. He turned to look up at the ceiling. He was so lucky to have Regulus. He made being at home so much better. Sirius didn't know what he would do without him. 

 

\----

 

To Sirius' immense relief, his parents didn't mention about the Dark Lord for the rest of the holidays. The lingering fear was still in Sirius' heart but the excitement and happiness of going back to Hogwarts and seeing Remus again surpassed it.

 

After saying goodbye to their parents, he and Regulus made their way to the train. As they entered the Hogwarts Express, Regulus met Alina and some of his other friends, so Sirius continued walking through the train, looking for an empty compartment. 

 

Suddenly, he stumbled into someone, who turned out to be Remus. His heart jumped into his throat and he was about to say something. But then he remembered that someone could walk through here. "Astronomy tower, tonight," he whispered quickly. 

 

Remus nodded and Sirius continued walking. 

 

\---

 

Through the remaining evening, Sirius was anxiously waiting for the night to come. After dinner, he stayed in the common room for sometime, before making up an excuse and leaving for the astronomy tower. 

 

As he entered the astronomy tower, Remus was standing there. Before he could say anything, Remus pushed him against the wall and soft lips covered his in a deep kiss. He closed his eyes, the familiar feeling of Remus' against his was like paradise. 

 

"I missed you," Remus said when they finally pulled back. 

 

"I missed you too. So fucking much," Sirius whispered. Remus captured his lips in another kiss, running his hands through Sirius' hair. 

 

Suddenly, there was heavy sound of footsteps. "Shit! Get your invisibility cloak," Sirius said, panic rising in him. 

 

Remus quickly covered himself in the invisibility cloak.

 

"You need to leave," Sirius whispered. He sat down on the edge of the tower, pretending to be gazing at the sky. 

 

"Hey, Cousin!" Sirius cursed inwardly, recognising Bellatrix's shrill voice. 

 

"Oh, Hey Bellatrix. What are you doing here?" 

 

"Just looking for you. You spend most of your time here." 

 

Sirius shrugged. "It's calming here, gazing around at the grounds and sky," he said, trying to keep his voice casual. 

 

"Whatever. Do you know what I got over the holidays?" she asked and raised up her left sleeve. 

 

An icy hand clenched Sirius' heart as he stared at the Dark Mark on her pale arm. "You joined the Dark Lord?" he asked, trying to keep his voice steady.

 

"Yes," she said brightly. "What about you?" She raised his sleeve and frowned at his arm. "You didn't join the Dark Lord yet?" she asked. 

 

"No, I wasn't asked to yet," he replied. 

 

"You will when you're asked, right?" There was a hint of suspicion in her voice. 

 

No! Sirius wanted to shout. You are all crazy and I hate you all. Instead he just nodded. "If that's what my parents would want."

 

"It will be great," she said, smiling wickedly. "We will rule the wizarding world and all these mudbloods and half-breeds will perish."

 

Sirius' heart dropped into his stomach. "Anyways, see you later," she said and left, her words still echoing in his mind. 

 

He dropped his head in his hands. Everything was falling apart. He couldn't do this to Remus. Bellatrix almost saw them today. If anyone would find out, he had no idea what would happen to Remus. He couldn't keep Remus in risk. 

 

He was surrounded with darkness, cursed to live a life he didn't want, while Remus was the only light in his life. But he couldn't have it. He couldn't have Remus. He had to let him go.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always, comments are really loved!  
> And you can find me on Tumblr under username [ "Of-stars-and-moon"](https://of-stars-and-moon.tumblr.com/)


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was really nervous about posting it at first, but by the encouragement of some lovely people, here's the next chapter!

The next day in the astronomy tower as Remus greeted Sirius with a soft kiss, Sirius almost thought about backing down from what he had to do. He wanted to live in this moment forever. When it was just the two of them and no one else. He wanted to be with Remus all his life. 

 

But there was no choice. He had to do it.

 

He took a deep breath. “Remus. I need to talk to you about something.” 

 

“What is it?” Remus asked, looking at him anxiously.

 

“I.. Y'know.. whenever I was with you, I never thought about the future.. Because all I could care about was you… But lately I… I started thinking about things.. and.. Remus, our lives are too different.. I don't know if we can have this anymore.” As soon as the words escaped his lips, he hated himself for the pain that flickered over Remus’ face, before he clenched his jaw, obviously trying to mask his emotions.

 

Sirius had known that this wouldn't be easy but he didn't know it would hurt this much. “Re, I am so sorry, I didn't-” 

 

“You don't need to apologize,” Remus said, voice breaking. “It's not- It's not your fault that our life is like this.”

 

Sirius stayed silent, wondering how could someone be so perfect and how did he get so lucky to know Remus, the person he was about to loose. 

 

Remus’ hand slowly reached out to cup Sirius’ cheek. Sirius leaned into the touch, wanting to save the warm feeling of Remus’ hand.

 

“I… I should go,” Remus said, voice thick with emotions. He masked his pain with a smile but Sirius saw through it. “Take Care, Sirius.” 

 

“You too,” Sirius managed past the lump in his throat. He couldn't say anything more, for the fear that he would ask Remus to stay. And he knew Remus would agree. But Sirius wouldn't do that to him. He wouldn't bind him to a life he didn't deserve, with someone he didn't deserve. 

 

Remus got up and started walking away. As he reached the door of the tower, he stopped. Sirius got up, wondering if Remus would turn back.

 

Sirius wanted to go after him, stop him, tell him how much he meant to him, how much he cared for him, ask him to stay. But instead, he stood there, feeling like his heart was being ripped out from his chest as Remus left the astronomy tower.

 

At that moment, Sirius knew he had lost the best thing that ever happened to him. He clenched his fists and punched the wall, cursing the war as the pain ripped through his knuckles. But even that couldn't subside the aching pain in his chest. 

 

For once, he had someone else than Regulus who he could be happy with, but now he was gone. He pressed the palms of his hands to his eyes as he felt tears burning in his eyes. ‘No, he couldn't cry. It was the right decision after all. Now, he had to live with it.’

 

He stood there, taking deep breaths and blinking away the tears gathering in his eyes.  
After sometime, the door opened and he turned around to see who it was. “Black, You fucking bastard!” Before his mind could register that it was Potter, a fist collided with his jaw and he stumbled back. He brought up his injured hand to rub his jaw. 

 

“What the hell did you do? Who the hell do you think you are?” Potter's face was dark with anger. “What did Remus ever do to you? I swear if I had known that he was dating you, I would have never let him get so close to you.” 

 

“...You… what did he say?” 

 

“What did he say?” Potter looked furious. “He looked absolutely devastated, like he was about to break down. It took me and Peter so much convincing to finally make him say what happened! Why were you dating him if you just wanted to break his heart?” 

 

“I didn't have a choice!” Sirius yelled, feeling the rage due to his parents and the war building up inside him. “You don't know what my life is like, Potter. Forced to be someone I am not, pretending to be happy with the people I can't even call friends. One day, I will have to join the Dark Lord. And I won't have a say in that.” He couldn't even bring himself to care about the fact that he was expressing his secrets to Potter. “I don't want to involve Remus in that. Do you know what would have happened if someone found out about me and Remus. Trust me you don't want to know.” Tears began to fall down his face, all walls over the pain breaking down. 

 

“And you think I am happy with what I did? It's killing me,” he said, voice choked with tears. “Remus was one of the few good things in my life and I just saw him walk right out of this door. I lost him. Forever! And I don't know what to do without him.” He slumped down against the wall and dropped his head on his arms. He bit his lip so hard that he tasted blood as his shoulders shook with suppressed sobs.

 

Potter was silent, the only sound in the tower were Sirius’ ragged breaths and sniffs. 

 

“I had such a wrong assumption of you,” Potter said after sometime, voice filled with something like guilt. 

 

Sirius looked up at him, vision blurred with tears. He wiped his cheeks as Potter sat down in front of him. 

 

“I.. I always thought you were like Mulciber, Rosier, Snape and the others, hating everyone except purebloods. God! I have been so wrong about you.” He took out his wand. “Bring out your hand.” Sirius did as told and Potter performed a healing spell on his knuckles and then on his jaw bone. “Man, I feel so bad for hitting you. I am such an idiot.” 

 

Sirius sniffed. “You were just being a good friend.” 

 

Potter gave him a sad smile. “I always thought this Voldemort was crazy, making everyone scared for their lives and threatening a war. But, God, he's ruining Remus’ and your life. It's not fair.” 

 

Sirius took a deep breath. His lungs felt contracted. “Maybe Remus will move on and find someone worthy of him and be happy.” Saying these words felt like a punch to his gut.

 

Potter sighed. “You really care about him, don't you?” 

 

Sirius nodded. He felt so exhausted and the pain in his chest wouldn't go away. 

 

“Do you love him?” Potter asked. 

 

‘Did he love Remus’ That was a question that had often came into his mind, when he would be lying awake thinking of Remus, when small things like holding Remus’ hand or hearing his laugh would make Sirius’ heart flutter, when kissing him was like a drug and he never wanted to stop, when seeing him leave felt like Sirius was loosing a part of himself. He always knew the answer to that question but he never admitted it to himself, scared that he would blurt it out to Remus someday and Remus wouldn't feel the same. He was scared that he would loose him.

 

But now he had nothing to loose. He nodded. “Yeah. Yeah, I do.” 

 

Potter sighed. “You two don't deserve to be like this. You're both hurting.”

 

“It's not like there is a choice. Maybe it will hurt less after sometime,” Sirius muttered, not so convinced himself. “Just take care of Remus. He needs you and Pettigrew.”

 

Potter nodded. “But what about you?” 

 

Sirius let out a hollow laugh. “I will just pretend to be okay and go through my life. And hope that I die soon.”

 

Potter flinched at his words. “This isn't right. You shouldn't have to live such a life.” 

 

“Stop being so nice to me,” Sirius said, masking a fake smirk, “Or I might hug you.” 

 

Potter exhaled a long breath. “You can't always go on masking your emotions and pretending that you are fine.” 

 

“I don't think I have much of a choice,” Sirius replied. “You should leave now and check on Remus. And if my housemates saw us here, there would be a lot of questions.”

 

“Alright,” James said and got up, making his way to the door. He stopped near the door and looked back “Sirius?” 

 

“Yes?” Sirius asked, aware of the fact that this was possibly the first time Potter had called him by his first name.

 

“You are a really good person,” he said.

 

Sirius managed a smile. “You're not so bad yourself, James.” 

 

“Take care of yourself,” And with that he left the astronomy tower. Talking to James had made him feel a little lighter but the pain in his heart still wouldn't go away.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *Hides behind a sofa* Reviews are really appreciated...  
> You can find me on Tumblr under username   
> [ "Of-stars-and-moon"](https://of-stars-and-moon.tumblr.com/)


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Finally, my exams are over. So, here's the next chapter!

Sirius flew around the Quidditch pitch, the freezing waves of wind stinging his face. His muscles were aching and his whole body was begging to stop, but he didn't. 

 

It had been almost a week since he had broken up with Remus and his life had never been this worse before. Everyday was agony, pretending to Regulus and the others that he was fine.

 

Everytime he would see Remus in the classroom, corridors or Great Hall, his heart would break a bit more. Remus was becoming paler and weaker, the smiles that he would give to his friends didn't have their usual brightness. And Sirius hated himself for making Remus go through this. 

 

That's why he would come here and fly around. It helped him to release his rage.

 

“Hey, Sirius!” He looked down to see who had called him. It was James, standing in the middle of the pitch. 

 

He flew down to him and got off the broom.

 

“How long have you been here?” James asked, concern filling his voice. 

 

“I don't know… Maybe an hour-” He sat down, exhaustion overcoming him, “-Maybe more.”

 

“God, Sirius. This isn't a good thing,” James said, sitting down besides him. “It's freezing here.” 

 

Sirius shrugged. “It kinda helps to stop thinking about things,” he replied. “Anyway how is Remus doing?” 

 

James sighed. “Kinda okay. It's just typical of him to never express his emotions. No matter how much pain he is in. He doesn't say anything. He just hides it inside. But we are trying to help him. Get him to talk about it and make him feel better.” 

 

Sirius dropped his head in his hands, taking deep uneven breaths. 

 

“We should leave now,” James said after a while, “It may start snowing.”

 

“You go. I'll also come soon,” Sirius replied. “I just need some fresh air.”

 

“Okay, but don't stay here for long,” James said. He patted Sirius’ shoulder and got up, walking away.

 

Shortly after James left, light snowflakes started falling. Sirius looked up at the snowflakes dancing down from the sky.

 

He closed his eyes, feeling the soft brush of snowflakes on his cheeks as the memory from before the Christmas Holidays came rushing into his mind.

 

°°°°

 

Sirius and Remus were sitting in the astronomy tower, gazing at the snow falling on the grounds. It was the first snowfall of the season. Sirius had leaned his head on Remus’ shoulder and was taking deep breaths, inhaling Remus’ scent. 

 

“I wish we could go out in the snow,” Sirius said. 

 

“We can, y'know,” Remus stated and held out the invisibility cloak.

 

“Yes, we can!” Sirius exclaimed. He got up and held out his hand. “Shall we go then?” 

 

Remus took his hand and got up. They put the invisibility cloak over them and quietly made their way out of the castle, passing numerous students in the way.

 

As they reached near the forbidden forest, they took off the invisibility cloak and hanged it on a low branch.

 

Sirius looked back at the castle. It was lit with the lights, illuminating it with a beautiful glow. Suddenly a snowball hit the back of his head. He shook off the snow from his hair and turned back to Remus, who was grinning widely. Sirius’ face broke into a similar grin as he picked up a snowball and threw it towards Remus. 

 

They engaged in a snowfight, throwing snowballs here and there, laughing, carefree as no one would be here. 

 

Finally, Remus tackled Sirius to the snowy ground, laughing breathlessly. 

 

“That was so fun,” Sirius said, breathless himself. 

 

Remus’ expressions turned soft before he leaned in and kissed Sirius. His lips were warm against Sirius’ cold ones. Even though he was covered in snow, Sirius felt warm and content. As he moved his hands under Remus’ jumper sweater, Remus gasped, pulling back. “God, Sirius! Your hands are freezing.” 

 

“I wonder why that would be,” Sirius replied sarcastically. 

 

Remus snorted and got up, pulling Sirius with him. He quickly performed a drying spell and then a heating spell on them. “Let's go back to the castle,” he said, picking the invisibility cloak from the branch. 

 

“Yeah, it's already past curfew,” Sirius said as Remus covered them both in the invisibility cloak and they started walking back to the castle. 

 

Remus slowly brushed his hand to Sirius’, before intertwining their fingers, “Here, my hand is warmer,” he said and Sirius didn't need to look at him to know that he was smiling shyly.

 

As they walked through the corridors, Sirius wondered what it would be like to hold Remus’ hand like this everyday. To walk through the corridors with him. To sit with him in classes and The Great Hall. To kiss him carelessly, without the fear of someone seeing them. 

 

The fact that things would never be like that made his heart sink, but he was glad with what he had in his life. He had Remus and things were perfect. 

 

°°°°

 

Sirius smiled through the tears that were sliding down his face, warm against his cold cheeks. He didn't have Remus, but at least he would have the memories. He could try to be content with them. He could think about everything he had with Remus, the things that were the best part of his life.

 

He picked up some snow that had gathered around him, feeling the icy coldness seeping into his skin. He let out a breath that was more like a sob. The cold waves of wind around him had nothing to do with the frosty feeling in his heart. 

 

“I loved, and I loved and I lost you  
I loved, and I loved and I lost you  
I loved, and I loved and I lost you  
And it hurts like hell  
Yeah, it hurts like hell”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Reviews are love <3  
> And you can find me on Tumblr under username  
> [ "Of-stars-and-moon"](https://of-stars-and-moon.tumblr.com/)


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter Warnings: Suicidal thoughts and child abuse.

The rest of the months passed in a blur. Over time, the pain began to numb a little. Seeing Remus in the castle everyday still hurt, but Sirius was trying to get used to it. Now, he had learnt to mask his pain, pretending like he was okay, lying to everyone, even himself. He had convinced himself that if he kept thinking that he was okay, maybe one day he would be. Maybe one day it won't hurt this much. Maybe. 

 

It was the last week of sixth year now. After a week, he would have to go back home, back to the dark rooms, back to his bigoted parents. He desperately prayed that his parents wouldn't talk about The Dark Lord or the death eaters.

 

One night, after dinner, as he went to the astronomy tower, the door was already open. He peeped inside, Remus, James and Pettigrew were sitting there, with their backs towards the door.

 

“Remus, you can't be like this forever,” James was saying. “You have to let it go.” 

 

“I am trying,” Remus’ voice cracked a little, “I am trying to be okay. But it's hard.”

 

“At least talk to us,” Pettigrew said and put his hand on Remus’ shoulder. “It might help.”

 

“I.. I don't know what to say.. I don't even know what to think,” Remus sniffed and Sirius felt a pang of guilt. It was all because of him. He had made Remus so heartbroken.

 

He slumped down against the wall, tears welling up in his eyes, as Remus continued, “I should have seen this coming. And somewhere in the back of my mind, I knew.. I knew this wasn't forever. But I didn't want to think about it, I wanted to pretend that it wouldn't end… But it did.. and I feel so lost, like something is missing… And I want to move on.. but.. but I can't... I can't stop thinking about him… about what would things be like if our lives weren't so different.. about what we had… I miss him, even though I don't want to,” he broke off. Sirius could hear his ragged breaths and sniffs and the sound teared his heart out.

 

He covered his mouth with his hands, suppressing the sobs. He couldn't take it anymore. He got up and walked away to the nearest classroom. He shut the door behind him and fell to his knees as sobs overtook him. 

 

Since their breakup, he had never let himself cry freely. It was always silent tears while laying on his bed at midnight, or suppressed sobs in the astronomy tower. But he couldn't hold it in anymore. He couldn't keep pretending that he was okay. The sobs shook his whole body, he kept wiping his face furiously but the tears kept falling. The sobs contracted his lungs, he felt like he couldn't breathe. 

 

In rage, he punched the floor again and again. He kept punching it until his knuckles bloodied and his hand hurt, and he had no energy left to continue. As his sobs subsided and turned into ragged and forced breaths, he sat back against the wall and closed his eyes. Everything hurt, his chest felt contracted, his eyelids stinged and there was a throbbing pain in his knuckles.

 

As he sat here all alone, blood dripping down his hand, he wondered what it would be like to just end it all. To escape this miserable life, to finally be free of the pain.

 

Would anyone mourn for him. Regulus would. He knew Regulus would. Maybe Remus would too. Maybe. 

 

He didn't knew if others would be much affected, but Regulus would be devastated. He couldn't do this to Regulus, he couldn't leave him alone, especially with the war looming over them and the dark lord rising. Regulus was just a kid, Sirius had to protect him. 

 

Gaining some strength,he got up and started walking out of the classroom.

 

He passed some Ravenclaws in the way, who stared down at his bloodied hand in horror. He knew he looked like a mess. He couldn't go to the Slytherin common room like this so he performed a healing spell on his knuckles. He knew his eyes would be bloodshot but he couldn't do anything about it.

 

As he was on his way to the common room, he saw Regulus coming through the corridor.

 

“Sirius, where were you?” Regulus asked. “And what happened to you?” His voice was full of concern.

 

“Nothing, I am fine,” Sirius lied. 

 

“That's bullshit,” Regulus snapped. “Sirius, you are acting so strange lately,” he said, voice turning softer. “It is obvious that something is bothering you. You can tell me anything. You know that, right?” 

 

There was so much concern and love in his eyes that Sirius felt guilty. He hated himself that for even a second he thought about taking his life. What would have happened to Regulus?

 

“Yeah, I know.. And I swear nothing is bothering me,” Sirius said. “It's just-” He sighed. “-Nevermind. I'll see you later.” He walked pass Regulus, quickly making his way to his dorm.

 

\----

 

The summer holidays at home were miserable. It was at least a good thing that he didn't have to face Remus everyday and feel more guilty and lonely. But when he would be sitting alone in his room, without Regulus around, his thoughts kept drifting back to Remus and he kept missing Remus with a dull ache in his chest.

 

There was a knock on his door. “Master Sirius. It's time for dinner,” Kreacher's voice came from the outside. 

 

“Okay, I am coming,” Sirius called back. He got up and went out of his room.

 

As he made his way to the dining room, he heard voices of his parents coming from the inside. “Apparently there is someone who is questioning the ministry's laws against werewolves,” his mother's voice was filled with disgust, “Telling the ministry to change their ‘cruel’ laws against those animals.” 

 

Sirius felt rage building up inside him but he took a deep breath and entered the room. He quietly sat down on a chair as his mother continued, “Of course no one is paying any heed to the person. Who even cares about the laws for these beasts.”

 

Sirius clenched his first tightly, fingernails digging into his palm. He just wanted to get out of this room this instant. He stared down at his plate. He knew he wouldn't be able to eat anything.

 

“Honestly the ministry is too easy on them,” his father stated. “These animals should just be killed.”

 

That was it. Sirius couldn't take it anymore. “Shut up!” he snapped. Both his parents turned towards him, looking at him sharply. “They are also human. You can't talk about them like that! Like they don't deserve to live.” 

 

“Sirius, how dare you speak to us like that?” His father's voice was fuming “Apologize at once.” 

 

“I won't apologize, because I said nothing wrong,” Sirius replied, through gritted teeth. “Werewolves are humans too and what you both are saying is absolute bullshit.” 

 

He had barely a second to register the flash of anger in his mother's eyes, before she slapped him, her ring making a gash across his face. “Don't talk about those beasts here like that, ever again,” she said in a furious voice. “Get out of my sight!” 

 

He got up and stormed off the dining room. As he made his way up the stairs, Regulus was coming down and they stumbled upon each other. 

 

“Sirius? What happened to your cheek?” Regulus asked. 

 

“Nothing,” Sirius replied shortly. He swiftly walked up, not turning back to look at Regulus.

 

He entered his room, slamming the door behind him. 

 

He sat down against the door. He missed Remus so much. He just wanted to be with him, to feel happy again. It was so fucking hard to live without him. He wasn't sure if he could go on like this for long.

 

 

“I can't help but love you  
Even though I try not to  
I can't help but want you  
I know that I'd die without you”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always, comments are really appreciated!  
> And you can find me on Tumblr under username  
> [ "Of-stars-and-moon"](https://of-stars-and-moon.tumblr.com/)


	10. Chapter 10

As the first week of Sirius’ seventh year at Hogwarts passed by, he noticed that Regulus was more quiet since the term had started. He would usually just sit in a corner in the common room, staring at nothing in particular. And it was worrying Sirius.

 

One night, after dinner, he sat down next to Regulus in the empty common room. “Reg, What wrong with you lately?” 

 

Regulus sighed, “Nothing.” 

 

“You're lying,” Sirius stated.

 

“Well, so are you for the past months,” Regulus replied. 

 

Sirius inhaled deeply. “It's not about me. What is bothering you?” 

 

“Alina left Hogwarts,” Regulus answered, staring at the wall. 

 

“Wha- Why?” Sirius asked. 

 

“Her mom is a muggle and they are scared that she might get attacked. So, they are leaving to some other country.” 

 

“Shit, Reg, I am so sorry-”

 

Regulus shrugged. “It doesn't matter... It's just what it is… I just regret that… maybe I should have asked her out and told her how I felt.. maybe I should have taken the risk.. maybe I shouldn't have cared so much about the others. Because having some moments with her might have been better than nothing. But I never knew what the future held,” He took a deep breath. “Anyway, I am tired. I am going to sleep now. Goodnight,” he said and got up.

 

“Goodnight,” Sirius muttered as Regulus walked away. 

 

Regulus was right. They didn't know what was going to happen in the future. One day, they would leave Hogwarts and he would never see Remus again. He would never get a chance to tell Remus how he feels. He couldn't let go of the boy he loved just because of his housemates and family. He knew he wanted Remus and nothing else mattered. It was a risk worth taking.

 

He got up and made his way to his dorm. He has to see Remus. He paced around the room, wondering how he would go to Remus. His eyes caught his Quidditch broom lying on the floor. ‘This is a really stupid idea,’ he thought to himself, ‘What if someone sees me?’ But it was the only way.

 

“Fuck it,” he muttered and picked up the broom. 

 

\-----

 

Sirius landed on the roof of the Gryffindor tower and peeped through the open window. Remus was sitting on his bed, with a muffler in his hands. ‘The muffler Sirius had gifted him before Christmas.’ Sirius’ heart shattered. ‘He still kept it.’ 

 

Pettigrew was there too. He stood near Remus and placed a hand on his shoulder. “Moony, you should go to sleep.” 

 

“Yeah, I will soon,” Remus replied distractedly. “You have to go to detention, right?” 

 

Pettigrew nodded. “Yeah, I should leave. James might be back after midnight from his meeting. Take care. Goodnight.” As he left the room, Remus got up and kept the muffler in his trunk. 

 

Sirius took a deep breath and entered through the window. “Remus?” 

 

Remus jumped and turned towards him, staring at him in shock. “Sirius? How did you get here?” 

 

Sirius mentioned towards the broom in his hands and dropped it to the floor. 

 

“You flew here?!” 

 

Sirius nodded. 

 

“What are you doing here?” Remus asked in confusion. 

 

“I had to see you- Remus I- Since I broke up with you.. I am- My life is shit... Everyday without you is so hard.. And I had thought that keeping you away from me would be the right thing for you, but I can't.. I can't live without you, Re,” he said in a shaky voice as tears of desperation filled his eyes, “I don't care about the future or anything else, but the only thing I want is to be with you. I.. I don't think I deserve a second chance but I am asking for it... Remus I- Remus, I love you.” 

 

Remus stared at him, eyes searching his face. “Really?” he asked in disbelief.

 

Sirius nodded. “I do, I have for so long but I never had the courage to say-” His words cut off as Remus cupped his neck and kissed him zealously.

 

It was so overwhelming to kiss Remus after so long, to feel Remus’ lip's moving against his, to run his hand through Remus’ hair. 

 

“I love you too,” Remus murmured against Sirius’ lips. 

 

“You do?!” Sirius asked in disbelief, pulling back to stare at Remus. 

 

Remus nodded, hand stroking Sirius’ cheek. “I fell in love with you the day you told me that you knew I was a werewolf and still didn't care about that, still didn't think I was a monster. The past months without you were like hell.” 

 

Sirius shut his eyes against the tears. It was so unbelievable that someone as perfect as Remus could love someone so broken like Sirius. He didn't know what he had done to become so lucky. 

 

“You love me,” he said in awe, “Remus Lupin loves me! I want to stand on the roof and shout it at the top of my lungs!” 

 

Remus laughed softly and Sirius realized just how much he missed that beautiful sound. “You're crazy,” Remus said, smiling. 

 

“But you love me,” Sirius said, still amazed by the fact. 

 

“Yeah, I do.” Remus kissed him again, full of love. He pushed Sirius back on the bed as their kiss became more passionate. Sirius moaned as Remus’ hands ran over his chest and his fingers began unbuttoning Sirius’ shirt. He slipped Sirius’ shirt off his shoulders. Sirius’ hands moved to Remus’ waist and he raised Remus’ t-shirt up, fingers brushing the scars. Remus pulled back suddenly, sitting up. 

 

“Re, what's wrong?” Sirius asked, sitting up as well. 

 

“I… My scars.. They are ugly.. You won't like them,” 

 

Sirius reached out and placed his hand on Remus’. “Remus, I love you. There's no way I would dislike anything about you or think that anything about you is ugly. And I only want what you are comfortable with. It's perfectly okay if you don't want to.” 

 

Remus smiled at him and it was the brightest smile Sirius had ever seen. Remus kissed him intensely, murmuring, “I love you,” over and over against his lips, hands roaming Sirius’ chest. “I want this,” Remus said as they pulled back, both breathless. “I want you.”

 

Sirius smiled and placed a chaste kiss on Remus’ lips. His hands found the hem of Remus’ t-shirt and he broke the kiss to pull the shirt off Remus. His eyes drifted down to Remus’ chest. It was covered in scars, some old and faded and some new, standing against his pale skin. It was like a painting, a mark of his fights.

 

He ran his hand over them gently. “Re, they are beautiful. They are symbols of your bravery, of the battles you fight every month and win.” He placed his hand on Remus’ chest, feeling the rapid heartbeat there. “Remus, they are a part of you. And I love them.” 

 

Remus stared at him for a moment, dumbfounded, his eyes moist with tears, before he kissed Sirius lovingly, pushing him back on the bed. “I love you so much,” he murmured, voice thick with emotions. 

 

“I love you too,” Sirius said and pulled Remus in again.

 

 

‘Take my hand  
Take my whole life too   
For I can't help falling in love with you’

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know a lot of you were thinking that James will get them back together, but I wanted to focus on Sirius' and Regulus' relationship and how important Regulus is to Sirius in this AU. So sorry to disappoint..  
> Hope you all enjoyed it!


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Since, there was so much angst lately. Here's 2k words of fluff! Enjoy!

The next morning as Sirius entered the class of History of Magic, his eyes met Remus’ and a small smile formed on his lips. 

 

He sat down in the row next to Remus The other Slytherins didn't take the class, something he was grateful for. 

 

“Someone looks happy,” James muttered, grinning at Sirius from his chair in front of Remus. There was genuine happiness in James’ eyes.

 

“Well, someone is really happy,” Sirius whispered, smiling at Remus. His heart fluttered when he noticed Remus’ cheeks turning light pink.

 

He took a piece of parchment and scribbled a note: “Have I ever told you that you are adorable when you blush?”

 

After making sure that no one was looking, he levitated the note to Remus’ desk.

 

Remus’ eyes flickered over the parchment and he bit his lower lip, smiling shyly. God! His smile was so distracting. He wrote something on the parchment and sent it back to Sirius. 

 

The note read: “Have I ever told you that you are a really good flirt?” 

 

Sirius glanced sideways at Remus, who was still biting his lip shyly. Sirius wanted nothing more than to just kiss him right here. He scribbled down another note: “Stop doing that thing!” and sent it to Remus. As Remus opened the note, his face scrunched up in confusion, which made him look even more adorable.

 

He sent back another note which read: “What thing?”

 

Sirius wrote down his reply: “The thing you do when you bite your lip to stop smiling.”

 

As Remus read the note, his lips formed into a small “O”, cheeks turning red. He wrote down his reply and sent it back to Sirius. 

 

It read: “Is this annoying you?” 

 

Sirius glanced at Remus, who had a mock pout on his lips. It made him want to kiss Remus even more. He wrote down his note: “No, it doesn't annoy me. It makes me want to kiss those perfect lips of yours right here” 

 

He levitated it to Remus’ desk. As Remus read it, he giggled softly. 

 

“Mister Lupin, Something more interesting in that parchment than the class” Professor Binns asked sternly.

 

“No- Sir- um.. Not at all,” Remus replied hurriedly, hiding the parchment. 

 

Sirius bit the inside of his cheek to stop smiling and looked down at his book.

 

\----

 

“Lily finally agreed to go out with James, so they are going on their first date. James was so nervous about it,” Remus said, later as they were sitting in the astronomy tower, exchanging soft kisses.

 

“Good for him that she finally gave him a chance,” Sirius said. “Do you.. Do you wonder what it would be like to go on a proper date?”

 

Remus thought for a moment before answering, “Sometimes.”

 

“I wish we could go on a proper date. And be like other couples, you know,” Sirius said.

 

“Yeah, it would be nice,” Remus replied, smiling sadly. 

 

There was the loud sounds of footsteps and people coming. Remus quickly covered himself with the invisibility cloak.

 

As the door was flung open, Peter entered, followed by James. “Is Remus here?” Peter asked desperately.

 

“What are you guys doing here?” Remus asked, taking off the invisibility cloak. 

 

“Remus, help me!” Peter wailed, “James won't shut up about his date with Lily. He keeps saying that he will screw it up.”

 

“I am nervous!” James defended. “She had finally agreed to go out with me! What if I mess it up and she hates it?”

 

“James, she won't,” Remus said considerately. “Trust me, I have noticed the way she acts with you, she likes you. And you two are good friends. It will be good. Don't get nervous and just be yourself.” 

 

“Alright, but I want to know what she feels about the date. Could you talk to her?” he pleaded Remus. 

 

Remus huffed, “I was enjoying my time with my boyfriend-” Sirius’ heart fluttered at that and a blush crept up his neck, “-And you ruined it,” Remus complained but he sighed in defeat as James looked at him with puppy eyes. “Alright, I am going,” he agreed. He placed a soft lingering kiss on Sirius’ lips. “I will see you later,” he said softly, before getting up and leaving the astronomy tower. 

 

“I am really glad that you two sorted it out,” James said, smiling at Sirius. 

 

“Yeah, me too,” Sirius replied.

 

“It's been so long since I've seen Remus this happy and content,” Peter said,” You really mean a lot to him.” 

 

Sirius smiled, heart welling up in his chest.

 

“Anyway, I have some homework to do. See you later, James,” Peter said and left astronomy tower.

 

“See you,” James waved at him. “How are you doing?” he asked, turning back to Sirius. 

 

“Great. Why are you asking?” Sirius asked, slightly confused. 

 

“I meant… How were the holidays?” James said, mentioning towards Sirius’ arm. 

 

“Oh.. They were.. They were alright,” Sirius answered, thinking back to the argument he had with his parents about werewolves. “They didn't say anything or maybe didn't get a chance to say anything about joining the death eaters. So it was okay.” 

 

“Oh, that's good,” James said.

 

“Anyway, let's talk about something else,” Sirius said, “Do you have any ideas what you will do for the date with Evans?” 

 

“Yeah, I have it all planned out,” James answered and they started talking about James’ upcoming date. 

 

\-----

 

3rd November,

 

Sirius was awakened by the loud thud of the dorm door flunging open. Just a second later, the breath was knocked out of his lungs as someone jumped on him. 

 

“Happy Birthday, Sirius!” Regulus said in a cheerful voice.

 

Sirius groaned in frustration, “Regulus, get off me,” he complained but he couldn't help a smile forming on his lips. 

 

Regulus stood up. “Sirius, it's your birthday!” 

 

“Yeah, I figured that out,” he said, sitting up and rubbed his eyes. 

 

His dorm mates also woke up, “What is happening?” Mulciber asked groggily.

 

“It's Sirius’ birthday,” Regulus replied. 

 

“Oh, happy birthday, Black,” Mulciber said.

 

“Thanks,” Sirius muttered.

 

Regulus picked up a box from the bedside table and handed it to Sirius. “Here’s your gift.”

 

“Thanks, Reg,” Sirius smiled and opened the present. It was a watch.

 

“Wow, it's great,” he said.

 

“I thought so,” Regulus said, smiling at Sirius. “We should leave for breakfast,” he said suddenly.

 

“You go ahead. I will take a shower and be there,” Sirius said. 

 

“Alright, see you there,” Regulus replied.

 

\----

 

As Sirius entered the Great Hall, he was greeted by some fellow Slytherins. “Happy Birthday, Cousin,” Narcissa said, smiling a bit too sweetly.

 

“Thanks,” Sirius smiled back. He noticed that Remus was standing there as well. He was looking at Sirius in a confused and sort of surprised look. Sirius realized that he hadn't mentioned to Remus that it was his birthday today. He had never seen birthdays as a big deal, so he hadn't thought about mentioning it to Remus.

 

Later when they met in the library, Remus asked, “It's your birthday today?” 

 

Sirius nodded.

 

“Why didn't you say anything about it?” 

 

“I don't really care about my birthday. They were never given much importance in our house. It was just a stupid family party and lectures about family traditions.” 

 

“Okay,” Remus muttered, looking down thoughtfully. 

 

“When is your birthday, by the way?” Sirius asked. 

 

“It was on tenth march. It has already passed,” Remus answered. 

 

Realizing that he had broken up with Remus at that time and that Remus’ birthday would have been ruined due to that made Sirius’ heart sink.

 

Remus, apparently noticed the change in Sirius’ demeanor, as he said, “Anyway, let's get some homework done, okay.” 

 

Sirius nodded, “Yeah, you're right.” And they started working on the homework.

 

\----

 

Overall Sirius’ birthday passed nicely. He spent most of his time with Regulus and enjoyed it. But he didn't see Remus that much.

 

As he reached the library before dinner, Remus wasn't there. 

 

“Black?” Sirius turned around to see Lily Evans standing there. She handed him a note. “It's from Remus,” she said shortly and walked away. 

 

Sirius opened it. It read: ‘Meet me in the seventh floor corridor -Remus’

 

Wondering why Remus would want to meet him there, he made his way to the seventh floor corridor. As he reached the corridor, Remus was standing there, hands in his pockets.

 

“You wanted to see me?” Sirius asked.

 

Remus nodded. “I have something to show you,” he said and turned towards the wall. After sometime a door appeared in front of them.

 

“What is this?” Sirius asked in confusion. He had never seen this before.

 

“Come on,” Remus said and they both went inside. It was a room, lit by bright lights, the ceiling resembled the stars of the Great Hall. There was a table in the middle of the room, having candles, two glasses and two plates of chocolate pudding.

 

“Happy Birthday, Sirius,” Remus said. 

 

Sirius turned to him, looking at him with wide eyes. “What is this?” 

 

“It's the room of requirements. I don't know if you have heard about it. Anyway, I wanted to do something for your birthday and I didn't know what.. I was looking for a deserted classroom or something and I stumbled across this corridor. This room appeared here,” Remus paused, taking a deep breath. He held Sirius’ hand and they walked to the table. “You had said you wished to be like other couples,” Remus said, “I can't- I can't exactly give you that but at least I can take you on a date.”

 

Sirius was smiling so widely that his cheeks hurt. Remus kept surprising and amazing him with his love and care. “Re, this is.. this is perfect.. God, this is wonderful,” he said in awe. 

 

“And this is a hidden room,” Remus said. “No one can find us here.”

 

“Are you kidding me?” Sirius exclaimed. “This is the best thing ever!” 

 

Remus smiled happily, “Let's eat the chocolate pudding now.” They sat down on the chairs. 

 

“How has your day been?” Remus asked as they started eating. 

 

“It was good,” Sirius replied, “But this is amazing!” 

 

Remus smiled softly.

 

As they finished the meal , Remus got up and walked towards a table. He took out a small box, wrapped in blue and silver paper. He walked back to Sirius and handed him the box. Sirius blinked down at it. “Wha- What is this?” 

 

“Your birthday present,” Remus replied, smiling warmly as he sat down. 

 

“You.. You got me a present?” Sirius had never been given presents by anyone else other than Regulus or his cousin Andromeda and uncle Alphard.

 

Remus nodded. “I sneaked to Hogsmeade. It's not anything big.. It's just.. I wanted to give you something and it seemed a good present.”

 

Sirius slowly unwrapped the box, heart beating erratically from excitement. As he opened the box, he gasped in surprise. Lying in the box was a pendant, with a moon and a star intertwined together. 

 

“It reminded me of you,” Remus said, “So I thought you would like it. And it will also not be visible to anyone.” 

 

“Re, I love it. It's the best thing I could have ever asked for. Thank you.” He leaned in and pressed his lips to Remus’ in a deep and loving kiss. “I love you so much,” he said as they pulled back. 

 

“I love you too,” Remus said. Sirius picked up the pendant and wore it around his neck. Remus smiled at him lovingly, “It looks good on you.” 

 

Sirius fiddled with the necklace. Now he would always have a part of Remus with himself. This was perfect. 

 

 

‘No silver or no gold  
Could dress me up so good  
You're the glitter in the darkness of my world  
Just tell me what to do  
I'll fall right into you  
Going under, cast a spell, just say the word  
I feel your love’

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments always make my day <3 <3  
> And you can find me on Tumblr under username  
> [ "Of-stars-and-moon"](https://of-stars-and-moon.tumblr.com/)


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, this chapter is kinda short but I hope you all still enjoy it!

In the following week, room of requirements became their usual meeting place. James and Peter would also meet them there sometimes. They had became good friends now. Sirius enjoyed spending time with them and it made him wonder what it would be like to share a dormitory with them, to be in Gryffindor.

 

The Christmas holidays were coming close which made Sirius anxious. Last time he had been lucky. But what if this time he wouldn't be? What if his parents would ask him to join?

 

One evening as he entered the room, Remus was sitting in the floor, parts of what looked like a machine scattered around him. James and Peter were standing there, holding some books. 

 

“What's this?” Sirius asked curiously.

 

“Oh-Hey!” Remus smiled at him. “It's a tape recorder. I got it from my dad this summer and now I am trying to make it work inside the castle.” Remus replied and turned back to the tape recorder.

 

“Okay… um.. what is a tape recorder?” Sirius asked. 

 

“It's a Muggle thing,” Peter answered.

 

“Remus and Peter said that it's used to listen to Muggle songs,” James added. “Pretty cool, right?” 

 

“Yeah, that sounds cool.”

 

“By the way, we got the books, Remus,” Peter said as he and James handed Remus some books. 

 

“Are you sure that you will be able to make it work?” Sirius asked Remus. 

 

“Well.. Not completely. But I can try,” Remus replied. 

 

“Can I help somehow?” Sirius asked, sitting down besides Remus. 

 

“You don't know anything about Muggle songs and you still want to help?” Remus raised his eyebrows.

 

“Well, it seems important to you,” he told Remus, “So, of course I want to help.” 

 

Remus smiled at him sweetly. Sirius leaned in for a kiss but Remus turned back towards the tape recorder. 

 

Sirius pouted, “This tape recorder is taking my boyfriend away from me.” 

 

James and Peter chuckled. “Careful Sirius, or Remus might dump you for the tape recorder,” Peter grinned. 

 

Remus rolled his eyes, “If you guys are done, can we start?” 

 

They all agreed and started working. 

 

\-----

 

After few hours, Sirius was positive that it would never work. They had been working for so long, but nothing was happening. 

 

“It's useless,” James stated after yet another failed attempt. “I am telling you it's not gonna work.” 

 

“My back is killing me,” Peter complained. 

 

Remus sighed, inspecting the recorder, “You guys should leave then. It's almost curfew. I will just give some more tries.” 

 

“I will stay,” Sirius stated, “I will help you.” 

 

“You sure? You can leave if you want. Your housemates may be looking for-” 

 

“It's fine,” Sirius cut him off, “Maybe we can make it work someway.” 

 

Remus smiled, placing a soft kiss on Sirius lips as James and Peter got up. 

 

“Alright, see you later, Moony?” James said and he and Peter left the room. 

 

“Moony?” Sirius repeated 

 

“It's a nickname they have given me,” Remus explained, “Due to the full moon thing.” 

 

“Oh, that makes sense,” Sirius said, “Who else knows about it?”

 

“Except for James and Peter, only Lily knows,” Remus answered, “She figured it out in our third year.” 

 

“Okay.” 

 

“Let's continue working then,” Remus suggested. 

 

“Yeah, sure.” 

 

\---

 

“Okay, let's give it a try,” Remus took a deep breath and clicked on the tape recorder. Suddenly, the room was filled with music coming from the tape recorder. “It worked!” Remus breathed out in surprise. “It worked!” 

 

Sirius grinned happily, “You did it!” 

 

“No, we did it,” he said, smiling cheerfully and kissed Sirius sweetly.

 

As they pulled back, Remus fiddled with the buttons on the tape recorder and the song changed.

 

‘I can dim the lights and sing you songs full of sad things  
We can do the tango just for two  
I can serenade and gently play on your heart strings  
Be your Valentino just for you’

 

“This is one of my favourite songs!” Remus exclaimed happily. “I used to listen to this all the time at home.” He got up and held out his hand to Sirius. “Wanna dance?” 

 

Sirius shrugged, “Well I am not a perfect dancer, but I can try,” He took Remus’ hand and they both got up. 

 

Remus wrapped his arms around Sirius’ waist, pulling him closer. Sirius put his hands on Remus’ shoulder as they swayed slowly to the music.

 

‘Ooh love ooh loverboy  
What're you doin' tonight, hey boy  
Set my alarm, turn on my charm  
That's because I'm a good old-fashioned lover boy’

 

“This song is beautiful,” Sirius said.

 

Remus smiled softly, “Yeah, it is.” He placed a soft kiss on Sirius’ forehead. “Sirius?” 

 

“Yeah?”

 

“Is something on your mind. You've been really quiet lately,” Remus said. 

 

“No, it's nothing.. Just Christmas holidays are near.. And I don't like going home. Being without you at home sucks.” He couldn't say the another reason why he was sad that he had to go home. He didn't know how to say it to Remus, how to say that he would have to probably join the death eaters soon.

 

Remus sighed and there was so much sadness in his eyes that Sirius felt bad. “Hey,” Sirius said softly, “But I will always have a part of you with me now, right?” He took the pendant out from under the collar of his shirt.

 

Remus lips turned into a small smile. “I love you.” No matter how many times Sirius had heard Remus say it, it still made his heartbeat speed up and insides melt. 

 

“I love you too,” Sirius smiled and dropped his head on Remus’ shoulder, burying his face in the crook of Remus’ neck. Remus started humming the song softly.

 

‘When I'm not with you  
I think of you always  
I miss those long hot summer nights, I miss you  
When I'm not with you  
Think of me always  
Love you, love you’

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Reviews are loved!   
> And you can find me on Tumblr under username  
> [ "Of-stars-and-moon"](https://of-stars-and-moon.tumblr.com/)


	13. Chapter 13

26 December, 1977

 

Sirius sat in his room, eyes flickering over the letter. Since he had got this letter from Remus yesterday on Christmas, he had re-read this so many times that he had lost count. He had memorized the letter, each and every curve of Remus’ handwriting too familiar now. The letter made him feel close to Remus somehow, giving him tiny bit of happiness in this home.

 

There was a knock on his door. “Master Black?” Sirius grimaced at Kreacher's voice. 

 

“Yes?” he called back.

 

“Your father wants to see you in his study.” 

 

“Fuck,” Sirius mumbled, running his hands down his face. “Alright, I will be there,” he said loudly. He got up and made his way out of his room. Every footstep felt more heavier and his heart was beating wildly.

 

As he reached his father's study, he knocked on the door. 

 

“Come inside,” his father's voice came from the inside. 

 

He slowly opened the door and went inside. His mother and father were sitting on the chairs. “Sit down, Sirius,” his mother said. 

 

He sat down on a chair, back straight. “You wanted to see me?” he asked, keeping his voice casual.

 

“Yes, we did,” his father replied. “I assume you have heard about the Dark Lord?” 

 

Sirius’ blood froze. He swallowed hard and nodded. “Yes, I have.”

 

“Good, then we don't have to do any explanations. You will join him,” his father said it like it was nothing. Like it wasn't going to destroy Sirius’ whole life and make him hate himself. He couldn't do this.

 

“What if I say no?” he asked, staring right into his father's eyes.

 

His mother let out a dark mocking laugh. “Your father didn't ask, boy. You will join the Dark Lord.”

 

He shook his head. “I don't want to,” he replied, keeping his voice calm. “I don't want to indulge in this craziness. I will not become a death eater,” he stated. 

 

“It doesn't matter what you want. The decision is made,” his father said sternly. 

 

“You are all crazy! I hate your stupid pureblood views,” Sirius argued, loosing his calmness.

 

“How dare you speak to us like this?” His father's voice was filled with rage. “Watch your words for they have consequences.” 

 

“I don't care if you hurt me or even kill me,” Sirius spat out. 

 

His father scoffed. “You may not care about yourself. But think about your brother.”

 

Sirius’ heart stopped beating. They knew. They knew that Regulus was important to him. They knew he would do anything for him. 

 

“Wouldn't it be a shame if he would have to pay for your mistakes,” his father's voice was mockingly sweet.

 

He stared at his father in fear. “You wouldn't hurt him… He is.. He is your own son,” his voice trembling slightly but he couldn't care.

 

“If it's to teach you a lesson, so be it,” his father replied. 

 

Sirius looked towards his mother, who was quite the whole time. Her face was devoid of any emotions. At that moment he realised that his parents would do anything to get him to join the death eaters. “If… If I do agree to join the Dark Lord, you wouldn't hurt Regulus, right?” he asked, looking back at his father. He could hear his heart pounding in his ears.

 

His father shook his head. “I won't.” 

 

“And you won't make him join the Dark Lord?” 

 

“I can't guarantee that,” his father answered. “If the Dark Lord would want him to join as well, we can't disagree.” 

 

“No, you can't make him join… He is.. He is just a kid… Please don't do this,” he begged, not caring at all that he was being vulnerable. He had to keep Regulus safe. “I will join the death eaters… I will do anything…. Anything you ask for…Just leave Regulus out of this.” 

 

His father's lips curved up into a satisfied smile. “Very well. We will try our best to keep Regulus away from all this.” 

 

Even through all the fear creeping inside him, Sirius felt relieved that at least Regulus would be safe.

 

\-----

 

Sirius sat on his bed, staring at the Dark Mark on his arm, standing against his skin. His arm hurt painfully, but he felt numb inside. He wanted to shout, yell or cry, but he had no energy for anything.

 

A day had passed but he hadn't left his room. He didn't know what to do or even feel, his world was falling apart. What was going to happen to him now? 

 

More importantly, what would he say to Remus? How would Remus respond? Would he still love him after knowing that he is a death eater now? Would he understand that Sirius had no choice or would he hate him? Would he loose Remus again? 

 

He couldn't spend another day by sitting in his room. It was almost lunch time so he decided to go to the dining room. As he walked through the corridors, the house was unusually quiet. He entered the dining room and to his surprise, there was no one there except Kreacher. 

 

“Where is everyone?” he asked Kreacher. 

 

“They went out,” Kreacher replied. 

 

“Why?” 

 

“They... They went to get some school stuff for Master Regulus. They will be back soon.” 

 

That didn't sound very convincing but Sirius let the matter go. “Alright, if you say so. Give me some lunch.”

 

“Okay, Master Sirius.”

 

\-----

 

It was late at night when Sirius heard voices coming from downstairs that indicated that his parents and Regulus were home. He didn't want to see his parents and ask them where they had gone to so he decided to see Regulus. Maybe talking to him would make Sirius feel better.

 

He went out of his room and walked to Regulus’. He knocked on the door, but there was no reply. “Reg, you inside?” he asked, knocking again. 

 

“Yeah… I am… I am here,” Regulus said back in a timid voice. 

 

Frowning, Sirius opened the door and went inside. Regulus was sitting on the floor against the footboard of his bed, arms wrapped around his knees. 

 

“Reg, Are you okay?” Sirius asked. As he walked closer, he noticed that Regulus’ face was pale and he was trembling. He sat down next to him, feeling alarmed. “Hey, what's wrong?” 

 

Regulus looked down at his hand and raised his sleeve. On his arm was a Dark Mark. A fucking dark mark! 

 

The air was knocked out of Sirius’ lungs as though someone had punched him. It was like an icy hand was clenching around his heart, making it impossible to breathe.

 

Why didn't he see this coming? Why didn't he realize that his father was lying? Why didn't he realize that they would make Regulus join too? He ran his hands through his hair, gripping it in anger. He shut his eyes tightly against the sting of tears, the world tumbling around him. Regulus was just a kid. He didn't deserve this.

 

“Sirius… I am… I am scared,” Regulus’ voice broke his train of thoughts. He opened his eyes to look at Regulus. He had never seen his younger brother like this, so frightened, so vulnerable and broken. 

 

“Hey, it's gonna be okay,” Sirius said, even though the words were not so convincing to himself. “You're not alone in this, y’know.” He raised up his own sleeve. “I will always be with you. I swear… I swear you'll be safe. I will always protect you.” 

 

Regulus bit his lower lip. “We will both make it through this?” 

 

Sirius nodded. He didn't know what the future held for them. But he was going to try his best to protect Regulus.

 

“Can you stay with me here tonight?” Regulus asked. 

 

“Yeah sure,” Sirius replied, managing a smile. He had to be strong for Regulus. 

 

They got up from the floor and they laid down on the bed, facing the ceiling. 

 

He shut his eyes to stop the tears gathering in his eyes, but the tears slipped through his eyelashes, trailing down his cheeks and falling on the pillow. 

 

No. He couldn't cry right now. Regulus needed him to be strong. Regulus needed his elder brother. He couldn't let Regulus see his pain. He had to put over a mask, carefully hiding all his emotions. 

 

He wiped his tears with the back of his hand and bit his lip, swallowing back the sobs.

 

 

‘Feels like I'm falling,  
Into a world,  
I can't control  
I hear it calling,  
Down in my soul.  
Gripping my bones,  
It won't let go.

 

Feels like I'm frozen,  
Nowhere to run, from here.  
These walls are closing,  
Closing me in.  
Wearing me thin, with fear.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> God! I really hate Orion and Walburga in this!  
> Comments are loved! <3 <3  
> And you can find me on Tumblr under username  
> [ "Of-stars-and-moon"](https://of-stars-and-moon.tumblr.com/)


	14. Chapter 14

January 1978,

 

In the first some days at school, Sirius was able to hide it from Remus that he was a death eater. But he couldn't hide it forever. 

 

Remus seemed to notice that Sirius was acting different as one night, as they were sitting on a bed in room of requirements, he asked softly, “Is something bothering you, Sirius?” 

 

Sirius took a deep breath and nodded. “I… During Christmas holidays-” He didn't know how to put it in words. He looked down at his arm and raised up his sleeve. The Death Mark stood against his pale skin. He heard Remus gasp. He couldn't even dare to look up at Remus, scared that he would see hate there. So, he kept his eyes fixed on the ground, as he spoke, “I tried to stop them… but… my… my father… he threatened that he would hurt Regulus… I.. I couldn't let him do that… I couldn't let Regulus pay because of me… I had no choice..” He took a shuddering breath, “..Re, do you hate me now?” 

 

He finally dared to look up at Remus. Remus was staring down at him arm, blinking rapidly He slowly brought up his shaking hand and traced his finger over the mark gently. Sirius flinched but didn't pull away. Remus looked up at him, eyes filled with unshed tears. “Sirius, I love you. I could never hate you,” Remus said, “It's.. but this is dangerous, Sirius..I..” He shut his eyes for a moment, “I don't want you to get hurt.. I can't bare the thought of you getting hurt.” 

 

Sirius swallowed past the lump in his throat. He didn't deserve someone like Remus, someone with such a big heart, someone who still loved Sirius even with all his flaws. Remus’ love was too overwhelming for Sirius. He leaned his forehead against Remus’, feeling the tears trickling down his cheeks. 

 

“Promise me… Promise me you will be safe,” Remus said, voice breaking.

 

“Re, I can't.. I can't promise that.” 

 

“No. Please. Please don't say this,” Remus’ voice was filled with desperation and tears rolled down his cheeks as well, “Please tell me that you'll be safe. That it will be okay.” 

 

Sirius cupped Remus’ face, wiping away Remus’ tears with his thumb. “I will try… I promise I will try to be safe,” he sniffed. 

 

Remus gripped the front of Sirius’ shirt tightly. “I hate this. I hate this war. What was our fault? What had we ever done to get caught up in this?” He let out a choked sob, lips trembling. 

 

“We did nothing wrong, Re. We are just born in a really screwed up world,” Sirius said, almost crying himself, “Maybe.. Maybe in some perfect and different universe, our lives will be different and better. But let me tell you one thing. My life is screwed, but I still love it. I love it because you're a part of it. You're the best thing that has ever happened to me, Remus. You're the light in my darkness. And I can't imagine a life without you. I love you more than anything, Remus. And I can bare anything because I have you.”

 

Remus leaned in and kissed Sirius. They kissed like they needed each to live, to remember that they had someone in this world to live for, that they were loved. 

 

Remus pulled back, eyes dazed, “Sirius, it's past curfew. Don't you have to go back?” 

 

Sirius shook his head, chest feeling heavy. “I don't want to leave. I want to be with you tonight.”

 

Remus bit his lower lip. “What about your housemates?” 

 

“I will… I will come up with an excuse.” 

 

“Alright,” Remus said and they laid under the sheets. Remus pulled Sirius towards him, stroking his hair. “Goodnight, love.” 

 

“Goodnight, Re,” Sirius mumbled, eyes closed already. Being wrapped here in Remus’ arms made a warmth feeling grow in Sirius’ chest. And for the first time in weeks, he drifted into a restful sleep. 

 

\-----

 

Sirius was sitting on the strands in the Quidditch pitch when James came running to him. “Sirius, I was looking everywhere for you,” he said, panting breathlessly. 

 

“Why?” Sirius asked.

 

“I had a talk with Dumbledore. He is… He is building a sort of army against Voldemort called The Order and… and I asked him that what if a Slytherin would join and.. he said it's possible. He said he would make sure that none of the other Slytherins or his family would find out about it and he can prevent the Slytherin student from having to join the death eaters.. He can protect you,” James said all in one breath. “Sirius, you don't have to become a death eater! You can join the Order and during holidays you can stay with me.” 

 

“James,” Sirius’ throat was contracted with tears. “James… it's… It's too late for that now,” be mumbled.

 

“What do you mean?” James asked, confusion and worry on his face. 

 

Sirius sighed and raised up his sleeve.

 

“Fuck,” James sweared, “No, No! God!” He ran his hands through his hair in frustration. “Why- This is not right-” He kicked the strands and sat down next to Sirius. “Did you- Does Remus know?” 

 

Sirius nodded, “Yeah, he does.” 

 

Besides him, James groaned in frustration, “I had thought that maybe it will be okay for once, maybe things would be fine, maybe you wouldn't have to live this miserable life.

 

“It's fine,” Sirius said, though he felt far from being fine. “But… But Maybe I can still join the Order.” 

 

“What?” 

 

“I would know everything about the Death Eaters.. I can work as a spy for the order, you know,” Sirius said. 

 

“Are you crazy!” James exclaimed in horror. “You will do no such thing!” 

 

“But-” 

 

“No!” James cut him off, “It's too dangerous for you. I am not going to let you do that! Tell me that you won't even think about it again.” 

 

“Alright, I will not,” Sirius muttered, unconvincingly.

 

“No, Sirius, Promise me. Promise me you won't join the Order.” 

 

Sirius sighed in defeat. “Alright, I promise I won't join the Order.”

 

“Good,” James said.

 

“Anyway, who else joined this Order?” Sirius asked

 

“Well, Dumbledore asked most of us individually, but I know that Remus, Peter and Lily have already joined. And I think maybe Marlene and Dorcas would have joined as well.”

 

Sirius sighed. Remus had joined too. He couldn't stand it, knowing that Remus and the others would all be fighting in the Order, while he would do anything. And if he worked as a spy, maybe he could somehow protect Remus.

 

“I gotta go to class now,” James said, bringing him out of his thoughts. “Take care.”

 

“Bye.” After James left, Sirius got up and made his way to the castle, mind racing with thoughts. As he was walking through a corridor, he saw Dumbledore. 

 

Taking a deep breath and making his decision in less than a second, he walked to Dumbledore. “Excuse me, Professor,” he called out. 

 

“Yes, Mr Black. How can I help you?” 

 

“Can I talk to you about something?” 

 

Dumbledore considered him for a moment before answering, “Yes, sure. Come with me.”

 

Sirius followed him, not knowing if this impulsive decision was a good or bad thing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments always make my day!   
> And you can find me on Tumblr under username  
> [ "Of-stars-and-moon"](https://of-stars-and-moon.tumblr.com/)


	15. Chapter 15

“Mister Black, I have to ask you this one more time. Are you sure about joining the Order?” Dumbledore asked after they had discussed about Sirius working as a spy for the Order. 

 

“Yes, Professor. I am sure.” 

 

“You are taking in consideration the risks and dangers we just discussed, right?” 

 

“Yes, Professor.” 

 

Dumbledore nodded gravely. “You will be really helpful to us, Mister Black. And I assure you, when this war ends, I will testify in the ministry that you worked for us. You won't go to Azkaban. But, do I have all your loyalty?” 

 

“Yes, you do Professor. But there is one thing I ask for.”

 

“What is it?” 

 

“My brother Regulus. I want him to be safe as well.” 

 

“Is he joining the order too?” 

 

“No,” Sirius stated, “No, it's too dangerous for him. I won't even ask him to do that… He is… He is just a kid and he doesn't even want this life.. He doesn't deserve this.. I just… I just want him to be safe… Whenever this war ends, can you save him from Azkaban as well?” 

 

“I will see to it,” Dumbledore replied, “I will try my best.” 

 

Sirius inhaled deeply. “Alright.” 

 

“You know that I would have to inform other members of the Order that you are working with us?” 

 

Sirius nodded grimly. “Can I trust all of them with this?” 

 

Dumbledore nodded. “Yes, they are all trustworthy.” 

 

“Okay, can I leave now?” 

 

“Yes, sure,” Dumbledore said, with a small smile. 

 

Sirius got up and started walking out of the office.

 

As he reached the room of requirements, he sat down on a couch, fiddling with his hands. He didn't even know if it was a good idea. It was the right thing to do and he couldn't just work with the death eaters and let Remus and the others in the Order risk their lives fighting for peace. 

 

But it was terrifying. If anyone would find out, it was sure that they would kill him or maybe torture him to give information about the Order.

 

He ran his hands over his face, willing himself to stop thinking too much.

 

Suddenly, the door flung open and Remus entered. “What the hell, Sirius?” His voice was filled with anger.

 

Sirius got up, “What happe-” The rest of his sentence drowned as he realised that Dumbledore would have probably told Remus about it.

 

“What happened?” Remus repeated incredulously. “What the fuck is wrong with you? You decided to work as a spy for the Order! Why?” 

 

“I… I wanted to do the right thing.”

 

“Are you crazy, Sirius? We are in a fucking war! Everyone's lives are already at risk! And you just went ahead and made the most dangerous decision with Dumbledore. Did you for a second think about the consequences? What if someone will finds out? What will happen then?” 

 

“I don't care,” Sirius muttered through gritted teeth. He didn't care if he died, but he would try his best to protect Remus and Regulus. He couldn't at all mention to Remus that another reason why he decided to work as a spy was to protect Remus. He knew Remus wouldn't be able to live with it. 

 

“You just put your life at stake and you don't care?” Remus asked.

 

“Well, I am not the only one! What about you, huh?” Sirius asked, voice rising, “You joined the Order, you're going to put your life in risk as well. Am I just supposed to work with the death eaters while you risk your life?” 

 

All the anger seemed to wash off Remus. He leaned back against the wall. “You… You had promised me,” he said, voice trembling, “You had promised me you will try to be safe… And you just broke it.” 

 

Sirius’ heart ached at the pain in Remus’ voice. He walked to Remus, gripping Remus’ hands in his. “Re, I am so sorry… But I had to do it… It was the right thing to do… I want to do at least one good thing in my life.” 

 

Remus leaned his forehead against Sirius’. “I love you,” he whispered softly. 

 

“I love you too,” Sirius replied, managing a small smile.

 

\-----

 

For the rest of the day, Sirius didn't see James. He feared that maybe James was angry at him for joining the order.

 

When he finally met James in the astronomy tower, it was evening, the sunrays were casting a reddish orange glow in the tower. He sat down next to James, who was looking at a distance. Sirius fiddled with his hands, not knowing how to break the silence between them.

 

After some time, he cleared his throat, “James, I know you're upset but-” 

 

“Upset?” James cut him off, voice flat cold. “Why would I be upset? It's not like you just signed your death warrant,” James said, still not turning to Sirius. 

 

“James, I am sorry I-” 

 

“What are you saying sorry for? It's not like you had promised me that you wouldn't join the Order but still did it.” Sirius grimaced at the coldness in James’ voice. “It's not like I had believed you, trusted you to keep your promise and you broke that.” 

 

“James, it's not like that-” 

 

“I feel like it's my fault,” James’ voice was filled with regret now, “Because I am the one who told you about the Order…. If I wouldn't have told you…. Maybe you wouldn't have done this… you wouldn't have put your life in such risk.” 

 

“James, please don't blame yourself…. I am sorry… I am so...so sorry for breaking the promise…. But I had to do it… I want to help people… I just want this war to end and to protect the people I love…. What would you have done if you were at my place? Would you just stand back and watch Lily and everyone else you love fight for the right thing?”

 

James sighed, finally looking at Sirius. “You're right… If I was at your place, I would've done the same thing… I shouldn't be angry at you... I just… I fucking hate this war and all this shit.” 

 

“Yeah me too,” Sirius said, “But this is just how our lives are going to be now… we have no choice but to accept it.”

 

James nodded in agreement. “Alright, enough depressive talking. Let's talk about something else. Where are Remus and Peter?” 

 

“In the room of requirements, I think,” Sirius answered. 

 

“Alright, let's go there, then,” James said, picking up the invisibility cloak.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you all liked it! Comments are loved!  
> And as usual, you can find me on Tumblr under username  
> [ "Of-stars-and-moon"](https://of-stars-and-moon.tumblr.com/)


	16. Chapter 16

The following months passed too quickly. Because of the pressure of N.E.W.T.s there was too much on Sirius’ mind to think of the fact that they would be leaving Hogwarts. 

 

It felt like the months passed in a flash of a second and suddenly it was their last night at Hogwarts. Tomorrow they would have to leave this place. 

 

The four of them were lying on a rooftop, gazing at the stars above them and the waxing moon illuminating the grounds. Sirius’ hand was intertwined with Remus’. 

 

“So this is it,” Peter said. “Tomorrow we leave Hogwarts and we have to go out in the real world.” 

 

“It feels like we came here yesterday, doesn't it?” James asked.

 

That was true. Sirius still remembered the first day he had entered the halls of Hogwarts, with a heart full of hope and enthusiasm, still remembered seeing Remus, James and Peter sitting on the Gryffindor table, chatting and laughing with each other, a friendship already starting between them. 

 

The memory was still so new and clear, feeling like it was yesterday but an eternity away at the same time. 

 

In first year, Sirius would have never ever imagined that on his last day at Hogwarts, he would be lying on a roof, holding hands with Remus and listening to James and Peter. 

 

“Hogwarts has given me so many things and memories, but the best one was meeting you three,” James said. 

 

A smile formed on Sirius’ lips. “Well, for me, the only good thing that Hogwarts gave me is you three,” he said, “And being away from home, I guess.” 

 

“You're going back there, right?” Remus asked.

 

“Yeah, of course.” 

 

“How… How will we meet now?” Remus asked in a timid voice. 

 

Sirius bit his lip hard. It hurt so much to think of the fact that they won't be able to see each other every day. “Maybe in order meetings or after that,” he said, tilting his head to look at Remus, “Don't worry, we will find a way.” Sirius smiled at Remus softly. 

 

“Everything is going to change now,” James said, sadness evident in his voice.

 

“Yeah, it will,” Sirius swallowed past the lump forming in his throat, “We won't see each other everyday. There will be no more of this, no more playing gobstones in the room of requirements, no more laughing at stupid things.” 

 

Remus inhaled sharply, “I don't want this to end… I… I don't want to leave.”

 

“Hey, this isn't the end, Moony,” James assured him, “This is just a beginning of our new lives.” 

 

“To be honest,” Peter muttered, “This new life doesn't seem so welcoming, going out into a world that is at war.” 

 

Sirius agreed with Peter. Their new lives seemed full of darkness. They didn't even know how long this war would last and how many loved ones would they lose in this war. 

 

“Yeah… But at least we have each other,” James said. It was obvious that he was trying to give them all hope. Sirius really liked that about him, that no matter how bleak things looked and how scared everyone was, James was still trying to be positive. 

 

“James is right,” Remus said, “We have each other and we will make it through this. We can't lose hope.” 

 

“Do you wonder what would have happened if we would have never had those two detentions together?” Sirius asked Remus. “We might have never met.” Saying these words out loud made Sirius terrified of what his life would be like if he hadn't met Remus.

 

“I have to admit,” Remus murmured, “It is scary to think of that. That there was a chance that I wouldn't be here with you. But in the end it happened.” He gave Sirius a half smile. 

 

Sirius smiled back. “Yeah, you're right.” 

 

“I should leave now,” Sirius said after sometime, sitting up. “I want to spend some time with Regulus before leaving.” 

 

Remus sat up as well, placing his hand on Sirius’. “So, see you whenever we meet next time, I guess?” 

 

“Yeah,” Sirius managed a small smile. “Take care.” He captured Remus’ lips in a deep kiss. “I love you,” he muttered as he got up. 

 

“I love you too,” Remus replied.

 

Sirius waved at James and Peter. “Take care you two.” 

 

\-----

 

The Slytherin common room was mostly empty, except for Regulus and some other sixth years. Sirius sat down on the sofa besides Regulus. 

 

“Where were you?” Regulus asked. 

 

“Just roaming around the castle,” Sirius lied. “Wanted to see the halls for the last time,” he murmured.

 

“You will miss Hogwarts?” 

 

‘Would he miss Hogwarts?’ Hogwarts was the best thing that had ever happened in his life. He felt more like home at Hogwarts than he even did at Grimmauld Place. He had lived the best moments of his life in these walls. The memories with Remus, James, Peter and Regulus all happened here.

 

“Yeah... Yeah I will miss it. A lot,” he said shortly. How could he put his feelings into words? How could he tell Regulus how terrified he was to leave Hogwarts? How could he explain the emptiness he felt in his chest at the thought that he wouldn't be here forever?

 

“I will miss you,” Regulus muttered, gaze cast downwards.

 

Sirius licked his lips. “Hey, don't be so sad,” he said, trying to keep his tone light. He ruffled Regulus’ hair playfully. “It's not like I am going to some distant place. You will have to stand me during all the holidays. And after that you will leave Hogwarts too and we will be together again.” 

 

Regulus’ lips quirked up into a small smile. “Yeah, I am going to be really relieved that I don't have to bear you around here anymore,” he teased. That was typical of him and Sirius, teasing each other and joking about their feelings, putting a mask over their emotions. But Sirius could hear the sadness in Regulus’ voice and it broke him even more. 

 

He slung his arm around Regulus’ shoulder. “Take care of yourself, Reg.” 

 

“You too.” 

 

 

‘How can I say this without breaking  
How can I say this without taking over  
How can I put it down into words  
When it's almost too much for my soul alone’

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Reviews are always loved!   
> And the next update might be slow as Ramadan is starting and my exams are also near.   
> You can find me on Tumblr under username  
> [ "Of-stars-and-moon"](https://of-stars-and-moon.tumblr.com/)


	17. Chapter 17

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My exams ended so here's the next chapter!

One month later,

 

After leaving Hogwarts, the first month was alright. Sirius missed Remus a lot, and the worst thing was that it wasn't Summer or Christmas holidays. There was no Hogwarts to go back to.

 

'Hogwarts’ Even thinking about that made Sirius fell a dull ache in his heart. The feeling of home he felt at Hogwarts, the moments he stole with Remus, hidden from everyone else, the time he used to spend with Regulus, he missed it all so much. He just wanted to go back.

 

He couldn't meet Remus until Dumbledore would call them for the order meetings. Or that's what Sirius had thought. 

 

Sirius and some other death eaters were in a Muggle building, inspecting it for their hideout, when they heard some sounds coming from the next room. 

 

“Wait- there is someone in the other room,” Mulciber said, voice muffled by the death eater mask. He raised his wand and blew up the wall, debris and dust flying up everywhere.

 

As the dust settled down, Sirius’ heart dropped into his stomach. Standing in front of them were Remus, James and Peter along with some other members of the order, who he recognised from school.

 

In a split second, spells started flying from everywhere, flashes of light passing by Sirius. In all the middle of the chaos there was one thing on Sirius’ mind, that he had to protect Remus. Dodging all the curses, he reached near Remus. As soon as Remus saw him, he raised his wand. 

 

Suddenly Sirius realized that he was wearing the mask. Remus wouldn't recognize him! He quickly dodged the spell Remus threw at him, hands shaking. 

 

Remus flicked his wand and a spell hit Sirius’ arm, making a gash across his arm. “Fuck,” he swore in pain.

 

Remus, probably recognising his voice, stopped dead, lowering his arm slowly.

 

Realizing that Remus was letting his guard down and other death eaters could attack him. Sirius swished his wand, deliberately missing the spell. Remus also seemed to understand what Sirius was doing as he hit a spell, flying past Sirius. If Sirius wouldn't have been so terrified, he might have smiled at how they were protecting each other.

 

Suddenly, the ground beneath his feet shook as a wall started tumbling down. 

 

“We got to go!” He heard James yell at the same time as Mulciber shouted, “This place is going to come down, Leave!” 

 

In a flash, everyone disapparated out of the building. Sirius and other death eaters apparated just outside the building. Sirius pressed his hand to the wound on his arm, blood staining his hand.

 

“So, the rumours were true,” Rosier said, taking of his mask. “There is an army fighting against us. I'll inform the dark lord about this, you all leave.” 

 

Sirius took off his mask and apparated to the alley outside the order headquarters. Dumbledore had informed them all of the address of headquarters before they had left Hogwarts. 

 

He went inside. In a second, Remus was there, enveloping him in a warm hug. Sirius relaxed in Remus’ arms, all tension leaving his body. 

 

Remus pulled back, eyes trailing the scratches and cuts on Sirius. “Sirius, I am so sorry about thi-” 

 

“Hey, it's fine,” Sirius cut him off. 

 

“Come on here,” Remus said, leading Sirius to a room. He made Sirius sat down on a sofa and himself sat on a table in front of the sofa . “Take off your shirt, I know some healing spells.” He helped Sirius in taking off his shirt and took out his wand, healing Sirius’ wounds, hands shaking lightly.

 

“How do you know healing magic?” Sirius asked. 

 

“My mom and dad used to heal my wounds after full moons and when I came to Hogwarts, Madame Pomfrey used to… So I learned a bit from them. I don't think I can heal this one though,” he said, eyes on the gash on Sirius’ arm. “Dorcas! Marlene!” he called out and Evans, McKinnon and Meadowes came into the room. 

 

“What happened, Remus?” McKinnon asked. 

 

“Can you heal Sirius’ wound?” Remus asked. 

 

“Yeah-” She took out her wand, “So, you're Sirius Black?” she asked, eyes drifting down to the dark mark on Sirius’ arm. 

 

Sirius nodded. 

 

“I am Marlene. Marlene McKinnon. This is my girlfriend Dorcas Meadowes. And that is Lily Evans. I am sure you've heard of her from James.”

 

Sirius snorted. “Yeah, he doesn't shut up about her.” 

 

“Alright, take a deep breath,” McKenzie said, touching the tip of her wand to Sirius’ arm, “This is going to sting.” She muttered a spell under her breath and the wound began to heal slowly. 

 

“Thanks,” Sirius muttered, picking up his shirt.

 

“Here, let me help you with that,” Remus said and carefully helped Sirius wear his shirt. “Are you feeling okay?” Remus asked, staring at Sirius with worried eyes. 

 

Sirius nodded, smiling softly, “Yeah, I am fine.” 

 

“Aww! You two are so cute!" Evans cooed.

 

“By the way, how did you two become friends?” Meadowes asked. 

 

“And then boyfriends,” McKinnon added, giving them a wink. 

 

“You want a backstory?” Sirius raised his eyebrows.

 

“Yes!” Evans exclaimed. “Remus doesn't say anything when we ask him.” 

 

“More like pester me,” Remus muttered, crossing his arms over his chest. 

 

Sirius chucked. It felt so good and so natural to talk with them. Just some minutes earlier, he was terrified, having no idea what would happen and now he was sitting here with them talking about him and Remus.

 

“So, in sixth year we had two detentions together and in the second detention we became friends- No- Not friends exactly but we were at least able to spend the detention with each other without ending up in a fight.

 

Remus let out a brief laugh. “God, I remember that fight. It feels like such a long time ago.” 

 

“I had said something bad about James and we had got into a fight,” Sirius explained, seeing their confused faces.

 

“And I had won,” Remus stated.

 

“That was your first detention together?” Evans asked. 

 

“Of course not,” Sirius replied. “We had detentions together before that, but we usually were with other students like Mulciber, Rosier or James and Peter.” 

 

“Okay, continue the story,” McKinnon cut him off, waving her hand. 

 

Sirius rolled his eyes. “Anyway, after that we started studying together-” 

 

“Why?” Meadowes inquired.

 

“Yeah, why did we start studying together, Sirius?” Remus asked with an innocent smile, but a mischievous glint in his eyes. “I think it was because you needed some help with-”

 

“I have no idea what he's saying,” Sirius said loudly. “Anyways, where was I?” 

 

The girls looked confused, probably figuring out that they were missing something. “You two started studying,” Evans supplied.

 

“Yeah so we became friends and then boyfriends and then not boyfriends and then boyfriends again. Story finished!” 

 

“What- No- It's not fair!” McKinnon exclaimed. “We need the whole story.” 

 

“What do you mean 'and then not boyfriends’? You two had broken up once?” Evans asked. 

 

Sirius grimaced, nodding slowly.

 

“Oh… I...I shouldn't have asked that,” Evans stammered. “I am...I am so sorry-” 

 

“It's fine,” Sirius said. “It's all in the past now, right?” he asked, looking at Remus, who nodded, smiling slightly. 

 

“Alright, we will go and check if the others need some help. See you guys later,” McKinnon said and she, Meadowes and Evans left the room, closing the door behind them. 

 

Sirius turned to Remus. “How have you been?” 

 

Remus shrugged. “Fine.” He placed his hand on Sirius’ cheeks. “I missed you so much.” 

 

“Me too,” Sirius said. He leaned in and pressed his lips to Remus’ in a deep kiss. ‘One month’ It had been one month, but it already felt like years since he had kissed Remus. Since he had felt this content and happy.

 

As they broke apart Remus said. “We could meet at the weekend at some pub or something, if you want?” 

 

“That sounds nice.” Sirius smiled and captured Remus’ lips in another kiss. He had missed Remus so much.

 

They broke the kiss as the door opened and James and Peter entered. “Sorry to bother you lovebirds,” James said. “But Dumbledore is here and he wants to talk to us.” 

 

As they left the room, James slung his arm over Sirius’ shoulder. “How have you been?” 

 

“Alright,” Sirius said shortly. “What about you two?” 

 

“Fine,” James replied. 

 

“As good as someone can be in a war,” Peter muttered.

 

As they reached the hall where Dumbledore was, everyone turned to them. Some order members stared at Sirius with a strange, doubtful expression. Sirius couldn't really blame them for not completely trusting him. He was, after all, a death eater. And a ‘Black’.

 

He ignored their gazes and walked to Dumbledore. “The death eaters know that there is an Order fighting against them,” he told Dumbledore. “Rosier would have probably already informed the Dark Lord by now. You all have to be more careful from now on.” 

 

“You're right,” Dumbledore said. “Since they know that we are fighting against them, it can put you all in danger. We have to be more cautious now.” 

 

There were murmurs around the crowd. Everyone looked worried after hearing this. Sirius’ eyes met Remus’, who was standing in a corner. He looked uncertain as well, but he gave Sirius a smile that said ‘It will be okay.’ 

 

They didn't know what the future held for them, but maybe it would be okay, Sirius hoped. What more could they do rather than hope? 

 

 

'When the night has come  
And the land is dark  
And the moon is the only light we'll see  
No I won't be afraid, no I won't be afraid  
Just as long as you stand, stand by me

 

If the sky that we look upon  
Should tumble and fall  
Or the mountains should crumble to the sea  
I won't cry, I won't cry, no I won't shed a tear  
Just as long as you stand, stand by me'

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you all liked it! Reviews are always loved!!  
> And you can find me on Tumblr under username  
> [ "Of-stars-and-moon"](https://of-stars-and-moon.tumblr.com/)  
> I sometimes post snippets on there!


	18. Chapter 18

November, 1978 

 

Sirius sat in a Muggle coffee shop along with Remus, James and Peter. The first time they had met in a wizard bar, they had to apparate away from there as Sirius had seen some other death eaters there. Since then, they had decided to meet at Muggle places. 

 

"You know this war got me really thinking about things," James said as they were chatting about the future. "And I have thought about something." 

 

The three of them looked at him curiously, waiting for him to continue.

 

"I am thinking of proposing to Lily," he said.

 

"Really?! That's great!" Remus exclaimed happily.

 

"This is the best thing ever!" Sirius said excitedly.

 

Peter patted James' shoulder. "That's a great idea, mate." 

 

"Do you guys think she would say yes? What if she says no?" James ran his fingers through his hair anxiously. 

 

"James, she will definitely say yes," Remus assured him. "She loves you. And of course she would want to marry you." 

 

"When are you going to propose to her?" Sirius asked. 

 

James shrugged. "I haven't thought about it yet. Maybe in some months whenever the right moment comes, I guess. Because I don't want to rush things." 

 

"Do you want a winter wedding, spring wedding, or summer wedding?" Peter asked.

 

James thought for sometime before answering, "I would like a spring or summer wedding… I'll see what Lily thinks when I ask her. Damn, how will I ask her?! I don't know what to say!" 

 

"You could practise," Peter suggested.

 

"Yeah! That's a great idea!" James exclaimed. "I need one of you to become Lily." 

 

"I will do it!" Sirius offered. 

 

"Okay," James agreed. "So, Lily." 

 

"What is it, love?" Sirius asked, flicking his hair back. 

 

Remus and Peter burst out laughing. Sirius glared at them. "Excuse me, James wants to say something to me. You two stop laughing. Go ahead, darling. What did you want to say?" he asked, turning back to James. 

 

"This is going to be fun," Peter muttered to Remus.

 

\-----

 

January, 1979 

 

Sirius entered the order headquarters looking around hurriedly. The death eaters had kidnapped some informers of the order and he had to inform the others.

 

Lily and Marlene were in a room, Marlene healing a wound on Lily's arm. 

 

"Lily, are you okay?" Sirius asked in worry.

 

"Yeah, we just came back from an Order mission," Lily said. "What are you doing here?"

 

"The death eaters… They… They got some informers of the order. We've to inform Dumbledore," Sirius said hastily. "Where are Remus, James and Peter? Are they okay?" 

 

"I saw James and Peter going in the next room," Marlene replied. "I think maybe Remus is there too." 

 

"We will inform Dumbledore," Lily said. "You can go and see Remus." 

 

Sirius went into the other room. Remus was sitting on a couch, face pale and eyes fixed on his hands. James and Peter were standing in front of him, glancing at each other in worry. As they saw Sirius, they walked towards him.

 

"He won't say anything but I know something is wrong. Try to talk to him," James said and he and Peter left the room, closing the door behind him with a soft click.

 

Sirius sat down besides Remus. "Rem?" he whispered. 

 

Remus turned to him, his eyes were dazed for a moment before they filled with disbelief. "Sirius?" he breathed out in shock and wrapped his arms around Sirius, burying his face in the crook of Sirius' neck. As Sirius hugged Remus back, he could feel Remus shaking violently. Fear crippled up inside him. "Remus, is everything okay?" 

 

Remus shook his head, holding onto Sirius tightly like if he would let go of him, he would lose Sirius. "Was it a bad mi-" Sirius began but paused as he felt Remus' tears falling on his neck. "Remus, what happened? Please talk to me." 

 

Remus took a ragged breath that turned into a choked sob. "We…. We were on a mission and-" he broke off as another sob escaped his lips. 

 

"Hey, it's okay. It's okay," Sirius said smoothly, rubbing Remus' back gently. "Just take a deep breath." 

 

Remus took a shaky breath "On the mission… I… I killed someone-" 

 

Sirius' heart sank into his stomach, the air knocked out of his lungs.

 

"I didn't mean to… It… It was an accident… I had stupefied him and he fell through the window and… I kept thinking it was you and I was so scared." Remus pulled back, wiping his cheeks. "Fuck, I… I had thought that I lost you, that I killed y-" 

 

"Hey, Remus, It's okay." Sirius cupped Remus' face, wiping Remus' tears with his thumb. "It's alright...I am here now. I am here with you, Re." 

 

Remus closed his eyes briefly and sniffed, head bowed down. "I hate myself… I know that he probably wasn't a good person and he might have hurt or killed people but I took his life… How can I live with myself knowing that I have ended someone's life? That I am a killer." 

 

"Hey, you didn't do anything wrong Remus. That person would have done more bad things in the future… He would've killed innocent people…. You saved a lot of people, Remus." 

 

"Did I?" Remus' face were hard, eyes brimming with tears. "Voldemort is gaining more followers every day. More and more people are dying. Who are we saving by fighting or even killing some death eaters?" 

 

Sirius had no answer to that. Remus was right. It felt like they were fighting in vain. Nothing was changing. They didn't seem to be able to make a difference. "We don't have a choice," Sirius said. "If there is even a slightest chance that we can end this war, we have to take it." He brushed a lingering kiss on Remus' forehead. "Why don't you take some rest, huh? That would help." 

 

Remus nodded, wiping his eyes with the back of his hand. 

 

There was a knock on the door. "Sirius? Can you come out for a moment?" James' voice came through the door.

 

"Yeah, just a second!" Sirius called out. He stroked Remus' hair softly. "You rest for sometime. I'll be back in a moment." 

 

Remus gave him a forced smile. "Alright." 

 

Sirius left the room and found James and Peter standing outside in the corridor. "How is he?" James whispered, leading them away from the room.

 

"What had happened?" Peter asked. 

 

As they reached the end of the corridor, away from the room, Sirius stopped and turned to them. "During the mission, Remus had accidentally killed a death eater." 

 

All colour drained off Peter's face, he looked horrified. James, however, didn't seem fazed, just sad and concerned. He ran his hands over his face. "How is he doing now?" 

 

Sirius sighed. "I don't know…I had told him to rest because that might help him stop thinking about it. God, I don't know how to help him." 

 

"You have to make him understood that we are living in a war. We don't have any other choice," James said. "Even when we kill someone, it's for the right cause." 

 

"You… You have killed someone?" Peter asked James, lips trembling.

 

James gave a short nod, looking grim. "It was some weeks ago, I missed a spell and the ceiling came down… I apparated quickly...The death eater didn't… I felt horrible for many days, thinking I was a murderer, but then I told myself that it was either me or him… If the ceiling wouldn't have come down, he might have killed me."

 

"That's the scariest part of this war," Peter said panicking, "That the death eaters won't even think once before killing someone… Any mission could be our last… We don't know how long can we make it-" 

 

"Hey, Peter." James put a comforting hand on Peter's shoulder. "Stop thinking things like that. We all have each other's back. We won't let anything happen to each other." 

 

Peter didn't look so convinced. "I need some air. I am going out for a walk." 

 

"Want me to join you?" James offered. 

 

"Nah, it's fine. I'll be back soon," Peter said and walked away. 

 

James sighed, looking tired and weary.

 

Sirius patted his shoulder. "It's going to be fine, mate." 

 

"Let's hope so," James mumbled .

 

"Did you propose to Lily yet?" Sirius asked, trying to lighten the mood. 

 

James shook his head. "I couldn't find the right time. I will do it by this week though." He took out a ring from his pocket, fiddling with it. 

 

A smile formed on Sirius' lips. Well, at least they had something good to look forward to. "Good luck, James." 

 

"Thanks." James smiled at him. 

 

"I will go and check on Remus now," Sirius said and went back to the room. 

 

Remus was laying on the bed, facing the other side. Sirius sat down besides him. "Re, are you asleep?" he whispered so that he won't wake Remus up if he was sleeping.

 

"No," Remus mumbled and if it wouldn't have been so quiet in the room, Sirius might not have heard it.

 

He slipped under the covers, wrapping his arms around Remus from behind. He felt Remus relax slightly in his arms.

 

"I can't stop thinking about it," Remus said in a low voice. 

 

Sirius remembered James' words. He could tell that to Remus tomorrow, but right now, Remus needed to relax and stop thinking about this.

 

"It's gonna be okay, Rem. I am here." He kissed the back of Remus' neck, finding Remus' hand under the covers and intertwined their fingers.

 

"Will you stay here?" Remus asked, voice scared.

 

"Yeah, of course I will," he said, nuzzling Remus' hair. "I will stay right here by your side." 

 

"Thanks." Sirius could hear the exhaustion in Remus' voice. "Goodnight, Sirius." 

 

"Goodnight, love." 

 

'We carry on through the storm  
Tired soldiers in this war  
Remember what we're fighting for  
Meet me on the battlefield  
Even on the darkest night  
I will be your sword & shield, your camouflage  
And you will be mine'

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I haven't been feeling great about this from sometime so any comments are really appreciated!   
> And my Tumblr is  
> [ "Of-stars-and-moon"](https://of-stars-and-moon.tumblr.com/) I post snippets on there!


	19. Chapter 19

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the late update, I was busy with real life work and I am having exams currently.   
> And there's was angst lately so here's over 2k words of (almost) fluff.

May, 1979,

 

"James, what are you doing?" Peter asked, standing besides James and looking at him in confusion.

 

They were in the groom's room helping James get ready for the wedding. It was going to be a simple wedding, they had decided, with everything going on. James and Lily had only invited some close friends and relatives and decided to get married in a small marriage hall. 

 

James, who seemed to be performing charms on his hair, turned to Peter. "I am charming my hair to make it look less messy." 

 

Sirius chuckled, leaning against the wall. "Well, then you're not getting married today." 

 

"Why?" James narrowed his eyes at him. 

 

"Because it's never gonna work. And Lily would be waiting in the marriage hall for you but you would never show up." 

 

James glared at Sirius' and Peter's grinning faces. "Guys! It's not funny! I am freaking out here! I want the marriage to be perfect! What if I screw up and Lily decides that she doesn't want to spend her life with a stupid person like me? And I then I will be all alone and die alone!" 

 

"James, stop thinking like that!" Remus, who was sitting on a table, stood up and walked to James. "First, the marriage will be perfect. You won't screw it up. And secondly, Lily already knows that you're a stupid person but she loves you." 

 

Peter chuckled but Sirius elbowed him in the side. "Shh, Remus is giving a speech. Not now," he whispered.

 

"Damn, you're smitten," Peter muttered.

 

"She chose to be with you James," Remus continued. "She loves you just the way you are. You don't need to change anything." 

 

Sirius had to admit that was a deep speech, something James really needed to hear right now.

 

James smiled gratefully at Remus. "Thanks mate. If I wasn't going to marry Lily today. I would kiss you." Just like that, James was back again to being himself. 

 

"Excuse me, but those kisses are all mine," Sirius defended, walking to Remus and wrapping his arms around him from behind. He placed soft kisses on Remus' neck, smiling as he felt Remus' pulse quicken under his lips. 

 

"If you two could keep your hands off each other for one moment and help me get ready, I would really appreciate it!" James complained. 

 

Sirius chuckled, letting go off Remus and they started helping James. 

 

\----

 

James and Lily started their wedding vows, staring into each other's eyes lovingly, like there was no one else except for them. Sirius' heart swelled in his chest at the fact that his best friends were going to be together now. They had finally got what they wanted. 

 

He shifted his gaze to Remus, who was standing at the best man's place, smiling happily at James and Lily. 

 

Sirius wondered what it would be like to marry Remus one day, to stand there along with Remus and say their wedding vows.

 

Remus' eyes met his and Remus' smile turned even more soft, eyes filled with love. 

 

Sirius smiled at him and looked back at James and Lily as the officiant announced, "I am honoured to pronounce you husband and wife. You may now kiss the bride." 

 

James wrapped his arms around Lily's waist, pulling her in a deep kiss. Lily let out a surprised chuckle which was lost in the kiss as she ran her hands through James's hair. 

 

Sirius was pretty sure that they had completely forgotten about the other people present here as they didn't pull away until the officiant cleared his throat and they broke the kiss, both giggling. 

 

\----

 

"Okay, it's time for my speech," Remus said, standing besides Sirius in the reception hall. James and Lily had finished their speeches, both heart touching and now it was Remus' turn. 

 

"You will be great." Sirius held Remus' hand, giving it a gentle squeeze. "I am sure it will make them cry." 

 

Remus smiled and took a deep breath as he got up. "James, Lily," he began. "You both are my best friends. I've known you since we were eleven. I've grown up around James' stupid jokes and pranks, around Lily's kindness and talks about Muggle things. And James, you might not always show it, but you are the most big-hearted person ever. I can assure you Lily, you've married one of the sweetest and most loving persons. He will always make you feel loved and also really drive you mad, but you already know that." 

 

The hall burst into laughter. James rubbed the back of his neck nervously, grinning at Remus. 

 

"I would say that you have married the most handsome person in the world but I am a bit biased." Remus winked at Sirius, who felt his cheeks warm up. 

 

"But I can say that you two are perfect for each other," Remus continued, turning back to James and Lily. "I am sure you already know that James can write a novel on you, Lily. No words could ever express how much he loves you. I've seen him make a fool of himself in front of you when we were young. I've seen him try the must stupid pick-up lines on you. I've seen him grow up and realize how important you are to him. I've seen him become a more mature person. Also, I have seen you realize that. I've seen you slowly falling for him, though you did deny that at first." 

 

Lily smiled shyly, though there were tears in her eyes now.

 

"I've seen you deciding to give him a chance. And James totally freaking out about it... And now seeing you both here today, getting married, the promise of a new life before you two, I couldn't be happier. You both deserve the best and I am glad you are getting it." 

 

Everyone clapped loudly. Lily wiped her cheeks, smiling through the tears. James took off his glasses and wiped his eyes. Woah, Remus really did make them cry, Sirius thought as James and Lily hugged Remus tightly. 

 

"Your boyfriend is really good with speeches." Sirius jumped at Peter's voice. 

 

"Fuck, when did you get here?" Sirius exclaimed. He was pretty sure Peter wasn't standing here before. 

 

"I have been here since Remus started his speech," Peter stated, deadpanned. "You were too lost in him to notice me standing here," he teased. 

 

Sirius chuckled. "Well, It's not my fault. He was just saying such beautiful words with that smooth voice of his that makes me feel all relaxed and-" 

 

"What are you two talking about?" Remus asked, turning to them. 

 

"Your speech," Peter answered, "It was really beautiful." He congratulated James and Lily and hugged them both before walking away to play a song for the couple. 

 

"I am afraid my boyfriend stole all the nice things so I can just say congrats and I am really happy for you both," Sirius said. "Though that was a great speech, Re. You really did make them both cry."

 

James chuckled, a bit watery and Sirius hugged him and then Lily, kissing her cheek. 

 

The song started playing. And James grinned happily at Lily. "Want to dance, Mrs Potter?" 

 

Lily's cheeks turned to a shade similar to her hair as she nodded and they walked to the middle of the hall, starting their first dance as a married couple. 

 

Sirius held out his hand to Remus. "May I have this dance?" 

 

"Of course." Remus smiled, taking his hand and walking them to the middle of the hall where other people were also dancing. 

 

Sirius pulled him closer, wrapping his arms around Remus' neck. Remus placed his hands on Sirius' waist and they danced slowly to the music, leaning their foreheads against each other's.

 

Sirius inhaled deeply as he remembered that it was only two months before Regulus would leave Hogwarts, only two months before he would have to fight in this war. The mere thought made Sirius scared, scared of his brother fighting in this danger, scared that what if Regulus became like other death eaters, scared that what if Sirius wouldn't be able to protect Regulus from all the darkness around.

 

"What's wrong?" Remus' voice shook Sirius from his thoughts. 

 

"Huh?" He blinked at Remus.

 

"You had that 'sad face'. Is something on your mind?" 

 

Sirius let out a sigh. "Regulus is leaving Hogwarts in some months and I am worried about him." 

 

Remus brought his hand up to stroke Sirius' hair from his forehead. "It's going to be okay, Sirius." His voice was gentle and assuring. "He is your younger brother, of course you are worried about him. But he will be okay. He is a really good dueler. And this war isn't going to last forever. It will surely end someday and then everything will be fine." 

 

"Do you think that Dumbledore will be able to save Regulus from Azkaban when this ends?" Sirius asked. They were still dancing slowly.

 

"Yeah, I am sure he would." 

 

Sirius' lips curved up into a relieved smile before and he kissed Remus, feeling Remus smile against his lips.

 

"Want to go outside for a while?" Sirius asked as they pulled back. The song was almost over now. 

 

Remus nodded and held Sirius' hand as they left the hall. They went outside on a balcony, the fresh night breeze blowing softly.

 

"It feels nice," Remus said. He placed his hands on the railing and leaned forward, gazing at the sky. "Seeing James and Lily happy and everyone carefree for once."

 

"Yeah, this wedding was really needed during all this," Sirius said, mirroring Remus' position. "James and Lily are going to move in together now, right?" 

 

"Yeah, I think they will. They have talked about it. I am really happy for them." 

 

Sirius hummed in agreement, noticing the way Remus' eyes twinkled in the dim moonlight. "Have you ever thought of marrying?" 

 

Remus turned to him, looking taken aback, like Sirius had said something out of the blue. "I… I haven't really thought about it." 

 

"Why not?" 

 

"I am a werewolf," Remus said matter of factly, like it explained everything. He probably understood the look of confusion on Sirius' face as he added, "I can't get married and have a family. There are laws against me. I can't get a job easily because no one would want to hire a werewolf." 

 

Sirius' hands clenched around the railing. He sucked in a sharp breath, suppressing his anger. "Maybe when the war ends, the laws might change," he said, trying to be optimistic. He stepped closer to Remus. "Maybe things will get different and better...Just hypothetically speaking, if that happens, would you maybe then think about getting married?" he asked Remus, "To me?" 

 

Remus looked thoughtful for a moment before a smile formed on his lips. He took a step closer as well and now their noses were almost touching. "Well, to be honest, the thought of having you as my husband is very alluring." 

 

Sirius forgot how to breathe properly at hearing Remus say the words 'My husband.' He brushed his lips against Remus'. "Say that again," he murmured. 

 

"What? My husband?"

 

Sirius shut his eyes, feeling like his heart would explode. "Hypothetically speaking, if we ever do get married, call me that every day." 

 

Remus brought his hands up to Sirius' cheek. "Sure," he muttered before pressing a soft kiss to Sirius' lips. 

 

"Hypothetically speaking, when we get married...I will bring you breakfast in bed every morning." 

 

Remus chuckled. "The Heir to the Most Noble and Ancient House of Black knows how to cook?" 

 

If it was someone else, being called that might have made Sirius angry or sad. But it was Remus, who loved Sirius with all his imperfections, who didn't see Sirius differently because of his family, who was looking at Sirius with so much love and affection in his eyes that Sirius felt like he couldn't even handle it. 

 

"Actually, I don't know...I haven't ever tried cooking," Sirius admitted sheepishly. 

 

Remus laughed, the sound sending warmth through Sirius body. "Well, I know some things about cooking. So I think we'll manage." 

 

"And we'll get a small cottage," Sirius suggested. "Near a river." 

 

"That sounds nice. And there should be trees around," Remus added. "So, we always hear chirping of many birds." 

 

"And we can invite others over for weekends...And then have campfires on the bank of the river." 

 

"Sirius," Remus exhaled.

 

"What?" 

 

"This...This all sounds too perfect...But too good to be true," Remus mumbled, pain evident in his voice. 

 

A pit formed in Sirius' stomach. He knew this. He knew that they were just building a dream, that they were probably just giving each other false hope. But he needed it right now. He needed it so bad. "Remus, let's not do that now...Let's not think like that...Let's just pretend things aren't as messed up as they really are." 

 

"Yeah, you're right," he said before kissing Sirius deeply, mumbling a soft, "I am sorry" as he pulled back. "Let's just talk about that." 

 

And so they did. They talked about their dream home, how they would go for walks everyday, how they might get a pet, probably a cat or dog, how they would get one of those Muggle television things and see Muggle movies, while cuddling on the couch.

 

For that moment, their hearts were truly free from the shadows of grief and fear of the war. The future they were talking about didn't feel like a false hope to them, but something to look forward to.

 

 

'Can't say how the days will unfold,  
Can't change what the future may hold  
But, I want you in it  
Every hour, every minute'

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Exams are making me stressed so reviews would be loved!! <3 <3   
> And you can find me on Tumblr under username  
> [ "Of-stars-and-moon"](https://of-stars-and-moon.tumblr.com/)


	20. Chapter 20

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is dedicated to the wonderful Aly as it's her birthday today! Another (almost) angst free chapter!

November, 1979,

 

"Sirius! Wake up! Wake up!" Sirius groaned in frustration, shielding his eyes from the sunlight coming through the window. 

 

"Regulus, shut up!" He pulled the sheets over his head but they were pulled back again and his brother's face was grinning down at him. 

 

"Happy Birthday!" Regulus exclaimed happily.

 

Oh! It was his birthday today! Sirius had forgotten about it. There was too much going on lately to remember and be excited about birthdays. But apparently, Regulus still remembered. Sirius' heart warmed at that thought.

 

He sat up and rubbed his eyes. "Thanks, Reg," he mumbled, smiling at his brother. 

 

"Breakfast is already served," Regulus said. "You should come down soon." 

 

"Alright, I'll be there," Sirius replied, making his way to the washroom. 

 

\----

 

"Regulus says that it is your birthday today," Walburga began as Sirius sat down on the breakfast table. "But we can't organise a party or anything today as your father and I have a meeting with the Dark Lord." 

 

"Okay, mother." If he was younger, he would have been really sad about the fact that his parents didn't care at all for his birthday. But now it didn't even matter to him.

 

"I was hoping I could take Sirius out with me today," Regulus said, using his best polite voice. "Can we go later?" 

 

Sirius glanced at Regulus, wondering what plans did he have for today.

 

"If you want to, then go ahead," Walburga replied nonchalantly and continued eating her breakfast. 

 

"Are you accompanying your brother during the missions yet or not?" Orion questioned Regulus. 

 

Sirius' grip tightened around the fork in his hand, knuckles turning white. 

 

"Not yet, father. I am ordered to just pass the information for now," Regulus answered. "The death eaters said that I would fight when I am ready." 

 

"You have been passing information for two or three months now, I think you should have been ready by now." 

 

"Orion," Walburga interrupted him, "He fights along with the other Death Eaters when the Dark Lord decides he is ready, not you." 

 

"Okay," Orion agreed.

 

Walburga's eyes met Sirius' and she gave him a short nod. Sirius looked down at his plate, remembering a past conversation with his mother. 

 

°°°°

 

"Regulus is leaving Hogwarts in a week," Sirius said, standing in his mother's room. 

 

"I know. So what?" Walburga was sitting on her chair.

 

"I don't want him to fight in this war yet. You should talk to the Dark Lord or other Death Eaters and tell them to just make him an informer for now. That would be less dangerous." 

 

"Why would I do that?" 

 

"Because he's your son," Sirius replied, controlling his urge to shout. "Are you really okay with the fact that he will have to fight in this war even though he is so young?" 

 

"He will have to fight someday," Walburga argued, glaring at him. "He can't escape this reality. And neither can you. You are fighting in this war. If someone like you could survive this, he will surely too." 

 

"That's the thing! You don't care about me. It doesn't matter to you if I live or die," Sirius' words were filled with venom. "But you care about him, don't you? You're his mother, for Merlin's sake! You can at least try to keep him away from the war as long as you can." 

 

Walburga's glare faded. "Alright, I'll try to convince them to make him an informer for now. But he can't stay an informer forever. He will have to fight along with you." 

 

Sirius let out a relieved breath. "It's good for now at least. But don't let Father know. He won't agree to this." 

 

"Don't worry. Orion won't know about this." 

 

"...Thanks," Sirius mumbled and walked out of her room. 

 

°°°°

 

It was a surprise that she had managed to convince them to keep Regulus out of fighting for so long but what was even more surprising was that she had managed to keep it from their father. Sirius was grateful that Regulus would be safe. He knew he couldn't keep him away from fighting forever, knew that Regulus would also have to fight one day, but he was sure as hell going to try. 

 

They ate the rest of breakfast in silence, Sirius wondering the whole time what Regulus had planned.

 

As they finished eating the meal, Regulus and Sirius excused themselves from the room and Regulus silently motioned Sirius to follow him out of the house. 

 

"Where are we going?" Sirius asked as they were standing outside.

 

"To Muggle London!" Regulus exclaimed

 

"Why?" Sirius asked.

 

"You really want to spend your birthday with other death eaters?" Regulus raised his eyebrows

 

"...um... No," Sirius replied. 

 

"Then, let's go," Regulus said impatiently and held Sirius' arm, apparating them to Muggle London. 

 

Sirius looked around. They were standing on a wide road, lined with some houses and trees. "Is this London?" Sirius asked. "I had heard it was different and more... busy with people." 

 

"We are on the outskirts of London," Regulus answered. 

 

"Why are we here? It's so quiet." 

 

"Come on," Regulus said, ignoring Sirius' question.

 

He lead Sirius to a big house and knocked on the door. A boy who looked like the same age as Regulus opened the door. 

 

"Regulus!" He grinned happily and took Regulus in a friendly hug. "You must be Sirius," he said, offering his hand out? 

 

"Yeah, I am Sirius. Do I know you?" Sirius shook the boy's hand. The boy's face looked familiar somehow.

 

"He is Brian, one of my friends from Hogwarts," Regulus answered. 

 

"Oh yeah!" Sirius remembered now. Brian was a Halfblood studying in Regulus' year. He couldn't really understand why they were here but he gave Brian a polite smile. 

 

"Here you go," Brian said, handing a key to Regulus. 

 

"Thanks, mate." Regulus took the key. "Let's go."

 

Brian and Regulus walked away, Sirius following them in confusion.

 

"Regulus, where are you going?" Sirius called, increasing his pace to reach them.

 

Brian lead them around the house to what seemed like a big ground. They walked to a shed. 

 

"So, I couldn't find you a gift," Regulus said. "But remember what you were obsessed with in your fifth year?" 

 

Sirius frowned, thinking about his fifth year. The realization hit him at the same time as Regulus opened the shed and Sirius looked inside. "A motorbike!" Sirius exclaimed, almost jumping with excitement.

 

During his fifth year at Hogwarts, he had heard some halfbloods talking about these Muggle motorbikes. He remembered spending a lot of time that year in the library searching through books about Muggle things and reading about these bikes. The bikes had fascinated him. And now there was an actual motorbike in front of him. He could cry with happiness.

 

"I couldn't buy one for you," Regulus said, bringing Sirius out of his trance about the magnificent bike. "Because Mother and Father would have a cardiac arrest. But Brian had a bike and even this ground, so I thought you would like to drive one." 

 

"Are you serious?" Sirius exclaimed in disbelief. 

 

"No, that's you." Regulus smirked. 

 

Sirius shook his head, smiling fondly. "But I don't even know how to drive one?" he mused, scratching his neck. 

 

"I can help you with that," Brian offered. 

 

After half an hour of Brian teaching him, Sirius said, "I think I got it." 

 

"Oh? Why don't you give it a try then?" Regulus offered the keys to Sirius. 

 

"I should go back now," Brian said, smiling at them. "Enjoy"

 

As Brian left, Sirius took the keys from Regulus and got on the bike. "Wait- What was I supposed to do if it gets imbalanced?" 

 

"Put your feet on the ground, genius. And remember, don't use magic," Regulus muttered. 

 

"Yeah, got it," Sirius said and started the bike. 

 

After five tries and scratched knees and elbows, Sirius finally got a hold of it. "Reg, I did it!" he exclaimed, smiling at Regulus.

 

"Great. Now, look forward before you fall down again!" 

 

Sirius grinned and turned forward.

 

After driving for some minutes he stopped the bike and got off. "Reg, that was so fun!" he exclaimed joyfully. "You want to give it a try?" he offered Regulus.

 

"Well, I am not really into it… but it wouldn't hurt to try," Regulus agreed and got on the bike. 

 

Sirius stood on a side, watching as his brother started the engine. It was okay for like a second, before Regulus accelerated too much and the bike went out of control which resulted in Regulus falling down. Sirius hurried to him. "Reg, are you okay?" he asked frantically, kneeling down besides him. 

 

Regulus, who had a scratch on his forearm, and a bump on his forehead, just laughed. "That was actually fun!" 

 

Sirius frowned. "You know you didn't even drive the bike yet, right?" 

 

"Hey! I did!" Regulus defended. 

 

"Yeah, for two whole seconds," Sirius replied, rolling his eyes. 

 

Regulus hit his arm playfully. "Shut up and help me get up." 

 

Sirius helped Regulus get on the bike again. "Okay, so go a bit slower this time," Sirius said. 

 

"Yeah, okay," Regulus agreed and started the bike again. This time, he drove more smoothly but the bike still wobbled and he fell down again. 

 

Sirius heaved a sigh as he started walking towards his brother. This was going to take long. 

 

\-----

 

"How the hell did you manage to learn to drive that?" Regulus asked as they walked outside after giving the keys back to Brian. Regulus had apologized about the dents and scratches on the bike but Brian had brushed it off. 

 

Regulus was not able to drive at all and they had ended up leaving so that he wouldn't get even more hurt. 

 

"I don't know… I am a natural driver, I guess," Sirius boasted.

 

"Wow! You're so humble," Regulus muttered sarcastically.

 

"Sit down here." Sirius motioned to a nearby bench and they sat down on it. Looking around to make sure no one was around, Sirius took out his wand and began to heal Regulus' scratches. "What do you wanna do after this?" 

 

"I was planning we could go get lunch or something," Regulus suggested.

 

"That sounds great!" Sirius said happily. "I have heard that Muggle food is delicious." 

 

"Let's go then," Regulus said. "I got some Muggle money." 

 

"How?" Sirius asked as they got up and started walking towards a nearby restaurant.

 

"Don't worry about that," Regulus said. 

 

\-----

 

"Wow! This is nice," Regulus said in awe. They were sitting on the grass in a park overlooking the lake. After having lunch, they had decided to stay here for sometime. 

 

"Yeah. Wish we could be here everyday," Sirius said. Some children were playing at a distant, their joyful shouts reminding Sirius of his childhood. 

 

"Yeah, we could built a little hut here," Regulus replied, smiling. "Pretend that we aren't fighting in a war and everything isn't crazy. And that we are just two normal brothers." 

 

As Sirius watched Regulus stare in the distance, he realized with a sharp ache in his heart just how grown up Regulus looked. The childrens' voice in the background were a painful reminder of their childhood, when they were carefree and played around the house, when their biggest fear was breaking some valuable showpiece and getting scolded by their parents, when the rooms of Grimmauld Place didn't seem as dark as they did now, when the meals with his parents didn't feel like he was being suffocated, when being a Black didn't feel like a burden.

 

Sirius sucked in a breath. "Yeah, well we can come here after the war ends. And think back to this time...Though I don't think building a hut here would be allowed," Sirius joked, pushing back the thoughts and the heavy feeling that filled his chest whenever he would think of the war.

 

"I didn't think so...We'll probably be thrown in jail if we build something here." At the carefree smile on Regulus' face, Sirius couldn't help but smile as well. Regulus could always make him smile.

 

"We should be getting back by now," Regulus said after sometime.

 

Sirius sighed. Remus and the others had asked him to come to James' and Lily's in the evening. He hadn't seen them from over two weeks now. "...um...Reg I...I am not really feeling like going home today…" 

 

"You don't come home a lot these days," Regulus said, sadness evident in his voice. "Where do you go?" 

 

Sirius hesitated for a moment, biting his thumbnail. "I usually go to some inns or some friend's house... Because sometimes it gets too much to go back home." 

 

Regulus ran his hands over his face. "Yeah, I get that...So I'll see you tomorrow?" It sounded more like a question than a statement. 

 

"Yeah sure. See you tomorrow." Sirius gave him a smile. "And thanks for today." 

 

Regulus waved his hand, brushing him off. "It was nothing. Take care," he said, standing up. 

 

Sirius stood up as well and hugged Regulus. "It meant a lot to me, Reg," he said and pulled back. 

 

Regulus smiled and said a quick "Bye" before disapparating. 

 

Sirius glanced at the lake before he apparated outside James' and Lily's flat. He knocked on the door but there was no answer. When nothing happened even the next time he knocked, he entered inside. 

 

He walked into the living room cautiously, searching around for them— 

 

"HAPPY BIRTHDAY!" He almost jumped out of his skin as Remus, James, Lily and Peter appeared suddenly from behind the curtains and sofas grinning cheerfully at him. 

 

Remus enveloped him in a hug and swirled him around, lifting him off his feet. He mumbled another "Happy Birthday" and captured Sirius' lips in a deep loving kiss and as Sirius' eyes fluttered close, he realized with an overwhelmed feeling just how much he missed Remus. 

 

As they broke apart, Sirius couldn't open his eyes for a few seconds, too dazed by the kiss. 

 

\----

 

After eating the cake they had baked for him, they all were sitting on the sofas, when Lily got up abruptly. "I've got something to say," she announced. 

 

They perked up waiting for her to continue. Sirius noticed that she looked really nervous. He hadn't seen her like this. She was biting the corner of her lip, eyes darting between them and her hands were clasped together. 

 

"Okay," James said slowly, "What is it, Lils?"

 

Taking a deep breath, she said the words out in a rush, "Iampregnant." 

 

There was a deafening silence as they all looked towards James, waiting for his response. 

 

"...James?" Lily's voice was starting to shake. "...Please James, say something." 

 

"I...I don't know what to say…" James stood up and started pacing around. "We're having a baby! During all this...Will we even be able to take such a big responsibility?!" The panic in his voice was rising with every word. 

 

"Should we say something?" Peter whispered besides Sirius as James ran his hands through his hair, still pacing.

 

"...I don't know," Sirius replied.

 

"James, are you mad at me?" Lily's green eyes brimmed with tears, lips trembling. 

 

James stopped pacing and his eyes widened, probably realizing how he was reacting. "Lily, No! I am not mad at you!" He walked towards her, expressions softening. "It's...It's just a lot to process right now...It's a big responsibility to have a baby at this time...But I want this if you do. Come to think of it, it's great, isn't it? Having a baby?!" The waves of shock and panic wearing off, James looked considerately happier and excited now. He let out a nervous chuckle, taking Lily's face in his hands. "I always wished of this, you know, of having a family with you, of growing old with you." 

 

Lily's face broke into a teary yet bright smile. 

 

"And now it's happening!" James exclaimed. "We're having a baby! I am sorry for reacting like an absolute asshole...It happened all of a sudden and I was a bit in shock. But I am so happy! You...You just made me the happiest person in the universe, Lily!" 

 

Lily chucked, a bit watery and breathless, and wrapped her arms around James' neck, burying her face in his shoulder.

 

"I love you so much," James said, hugging her back. 

 

"I love you, too," She said voice muffled by his shirt.

 

"Lovebirds? We're also here," Sirius teased.

 

James and Lily pulled back, laughing nervously as Sirius, Remus and Peter got up and congratulated them. 

 

'Family isn’t always blood.   
It’s the people in your life who want you in theirs.  
The ones who accept you for who you are.  
The ones who would do anything to see you smile.  
And who love you no matter what'

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you all liked that! Comments are really loved! And you can find me on Tumblr under username  
> [ "Of-stars-and-moon"](https://of-stars-and-moon.tumblr.com/)


	21. 21

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter contains a little mention of blood and injuries

February, 1980,

 

"Do you see anything," Bellatrix whispered, peeking out the window through her mask. 

 

"No." Sirius shook his head, searching the road for any signs of movement. The rain was falling heavily outside, which made it harder to hear if there was any sound outside. 

 

They all were at a hideout, Sirius, Bellatrix, Snape, Mulciber and Regulus. It was Regulus' first mission with them and it was possible that some Order members would attack hideout. Sirius remembered the fear he had felt during his first mission, but today he was even more scared for Regulus. 

 

He glanced at Regulus, who was standing a few feet away along with Mulciber. Regulus had his wand held tightly in his hands and even through Regulus' mask, Sirius could see his eyes staring outside the window in concentration.

 

"I really don't think they're coming," Mulciber said, annoyance in his voice. 

 

"I hate to agree, but Mulciber is right," Sirius admitted. He really wanted to get out of here. Even if members of the Order came here, it would be better if Sirius and the others weren't here, so the Order could easily take this hideout. 

 

Also, he had received a letter from James and Lily in the morning asking if he could come to their home later today. They hadn't given any details, just told him not to worry and be there if he could. But Sirius was worried if everything was okay or if they need some help.

 

"What should we do then?" Snape asked. "What if they do come here?" 

 

"I don't think they will," Sirius replied. "I say we should just leave. I've to be somewhere." 

 

"Oh! Where do you need to be?" Even without seeing her face, Sirius could picture the suspicious look on Bellatrix's face. 

 

"Going to meet your secret girlfriend?" Mulciber teased.

 

Whenever Sirius would be on a mission with Mulciber or Rosier and make an excuse to leave, they would always tease him with that. Apparently they had the idea that he was dating a "girl". But that was a good thing because at least they didn't doubt his loyalty.

 

"If she existed," Snape said with a chuckle. 

 

"What do you guys mean?" Regulus asked. 

 

"Mulciber and Rosier think that Sirius has a girlfriend that he secretly meets with," Snape said, "As if someone would go out with him." 

 

Sirius wanted to say that Snape would know all about not getting a date but he decided against it. Arguing with them about it, could give them the idea that there was someone special and Sirius didn't want that. 

 

"He has got good wealth, hasn't he? And nice charm as well, I bet there is someone," Mulciber said like there was a debate going on and Sirius wasn't standing right here. 

 

"Whatever," Snape muttered. "But even if there is someone, I don't think she'll be able to tolerate him for long. I can barely keep up with his attitude during our missions." 

 

"The feeling is mutual, Snape," Sirius said, voice over sweet. He clenched his fists, trying his best not to give too much thought to Snape's words. 

 

"Do you really think that if he had a girlfriend, she would still be with 'him'?" Bellatrix questioned. "She would have gotten sick of him already and realized she doesn't need a crazy person in her life." 

 

For the first time probably, Sirius was glad that he had a mask on his face, preventing Bellatrix and the others from seeing his expressions because Bellatrix's words had gotten to him and he kept thinking that what if he was a burden to Remus. 

 

Before his mind could linger for long on the thought, the window besides them shattered, pieces of glass flying everywhere. Sirius brought his hands up to shield himself and the pieces of glass hit his hands and arm, leaving bloody scratches. In an instant, spells flew in from outside, flashes of red and blue. The others had their wands up in a second, throwing spells back. Sirius threw some light jinxes and looked over to Regulus, who was on the other side of the room. He was also hurling spells at the Order members but he was injured, blood running down his left arm. 

 

Sirius moved to go near Regulus but a spell came through the open window, knocking him back.

 

"Sirius! Don't come here!" Regulus yelled. 

 

Sirius cursed, getting up and started throwing spells back, making sure to miss them but not make it look deliberate. He knew that the others wouldn't even notice that but he had to be sure. 

 

"Incendio!" Bellatrix shouted, throwing flames of fire on the road outside. The fire was viscous, red flames spreading outside even in the rain. Sirius saw the Order members disapparate quickly before he ran to Regulus. 

 

"Are you okay?" he asked Regulus, cursing as he saw the injuries on Regulus' arms and leg. 

 

Regulus shrugged but winced, bringing a hand to his shoulder. "Fuck," he muttered, jaw clenched. "I don't know." 

 

"We need to go back," Sirius said. He turned to Bellatrix and Snape, who were inspecting Mulciber's injuries. "I am taking Regulus back You two take care of Mulciber and report this to the others." 

 

They nodded in agreement and without wasting a second, Sirius held Regulus' arm, apparating them to Regulus' room in the Grimmauld Place. 

 

He made Regulus sit down on the bed and took out his wand, performing every healing spell he could remember. After Regulus injuries were mostly healed, Sirius sat down besides him, the energy suddenly leaving his body. 

 

"How are you feeling now?" he asked Regulus. 

 

"Better," Regulus replied, "Just sore and tired." 

 

"You should rest for sometime...I can see if there are any medicines here." 

 

"It's fine, I'll tell Kreacher to do it. You needed to go somewhere, right?" 

 

"Yeah I-" Sirius rubbed the back of his neck. "-It's not what they were saying… There… There is no girl I am secretly seeing." That wasn't a complete lie, at least. 

 

"Alright. And if there is or will be, Snape and Bellatrix were wrong. She wouldn't be tired or sick of you," Regulus said sincerely. "She would be a lucky girl." 

 

A small smile formed on Sirius' lips. "Thanks."

 

"Now get out and let me rest," Regulus shoved Sirius playfully.

 

"Alright, I am going. Take care." He got up and walked out of the room.

 

\----

 

Sirius reached James' and Lily's home and knocked on the door. The door opened and Peter was standing there. "Hey, Pete! What are you doing here?" Peter didn't spend much time here, he usually used to stay with his parents.

 

"I came to see how they were doing. I hadn't visited them in a while," Peter answered and lead Sirius inside. 

 

James and Lily were in the living room, Lily was sitting on the sofa, rubbing her temples and James, who looked really angry, was pacing around. 

 

"I swear I'll fucking kill them-" James paused as he saw Sirius.

 

"What's wrong?" Sirius asked, heart speeding up due to fear. 

 

James opened his mouth to reply but Lily spoke first, "It's nothing...Remus is upstairs and he had said he wanted to talk to you." 

 

Sirius wanted to ask if everything was okay but judging by the expression on their faces, it didn't seem like it. "Alright, I'll just go and talk to him." 

 

Sirius made his way upstairs, a dreadful feeling setting in his stomach. He entered the room. Remus was sitting on the windowsill, looking at the rain falling outside. Sirius walked to him and sat down in front of him. 

 

"James and Lily were downstairs," Sirius began. "James looked like he was about to kill someone...And they said that you wanted to talk to me. Is everything okay?" 

 

"Yeah, Maybe...I don't...I don't know," Remus mumbled, still looking out the window.

 

Sirius frowned. "Remus, what is it?" 

 

Remus drew his knees up to his chest resting his chin on top of his knee. "What were we thinking? This would never work." 

 

"Re, what are you talking about?" 

 

"Us," Remus answered. "Do you really think this can be forever?" 

 

It felt like someone had punched Sirius, knocking the air out of his lungs. Bellatrix's voice was ringing in his ears, 'Do you really think that if he had a girlfriend, she would still be with 'him'. She would have gotten sick of him and realized she doesn't need a crazy person in her life.'

 

"Re… Did I… Did I do something wrong?" Sirius couldn't stop his voice from shaking. Was Remus sick and tired of him now? Had he had enough of Sirius? 

 

"You didn't do anything wrong… It's just… Look at us, Sirius." Remus finally turned to Sirius. His face was unreadable, emotions hidden. "You're a death eater and I am a member of the Order. You're a pureblood and I am a mons– half-breed." 

 

"Re, I don't care about any of that. I love you and that's all that matters to me." 

 

"I love you, too, Sirius. But we can't hide away from the truth... I am a werewolf... Nothing can change that. This can't be forever." Remus got up and started to walk away. 

 

For a moment, Sirius thought that he did deserve this. Remus was way too perfect for him. He knew that this was too good to last. But when the familiar ache filled his heart, choking his throat, he knew he couldn't go through this again. He was at least going to try to still hold on. "No, please, Remus." He stood up and held Remus' arm. 

 

Remus stiffed but turned towards Sirius. "Sirius, you have to let me go." He moved his arm away from Sirius' grip and stepped back. "You don't understand-" 

 

"Then make me understand!" Sirius begged. "Everything was fine when we met last week. What happened suddenly? Remus, please! I can't watch you walk away again! You're one of the only things keeping me through this war! I can't live without you! Please. Please, why are you doing this?" 

 

Remus let out a breath. "I had to," he drifted off, probably unable to find the words. He unbuttoned his shirt slowly. "I had to go to the Regulation of Magical Creatures Department today to get registered." He slipped the shirt off his shoulders and Sirius' breath hitched in his throat as he saw the branding on Remus' left shoulder 'Half-breed #726'.

 

"What is this?" Sirius asked, rage building inside him.

 

"They are marking werewolves so that it's easier to distinguish us since a lot of werewolves are joining Voldemort. They...They might make the laws on us more harsh," Remus stated, buttoning up his shirt again.

 

"Fuck." Sirius ran his hand through his hair gripping it in anger. "What the fuck is wrong with this world?" he muttered mostly to himself. He cursed again and punched the wall besides him. His knuckles burned with pain but he couldn't care, he moved his hand to punch again, but Remus gripped his wrist. 

 

"Sirius, stop. You're hurting yourself." He let go off Sirius' wrist and stepped back. "I don't...I don't want to pull you into this... I will...I will just make your life harder and you will end up hating me. You deserve someone better than me, Sirius." 

 

"Remus, don't you understand? I don't want to be with anyone else rather than you! I would rather die than not be with you!" 

 

Silence fell over them, the only sound Sirius could hear was the blood rushing in his ears and the dull pelting of the rain outside. 

 

Remus took a sharp breath. "I… I don't want you to regret choosing me."

 

"God! You're so fucking dense sometimes, Remus! You know, I am so angry at you right now because how could you even think that I wouldn't want to be with you anymore just because the Ministry is gone fucking crazy and doing all this bullshit!" Sirius threw his arms up in frustration. "Why don't you ever think without your low self esteem clouding your thoughts?" 

 

"Well, I can't help it since the Head of the Department was talking to me like I am a monster!" Remus snapped. He shut his mouth quickly like he didn't mean to say it out loud.

 

"What did he say?" 

 

"Sirius, it doesn't matter," Remus said inhaling deeply. 

 

"What did he say?" Sirius repeated, more firmly this time.

 

"He...When he heard that I went to Hogwarts...He laughed and said that it was unbelievable that Dumbledore let me in...He said that he didn't know that animals could read." Remus let out a hollow laugh, the sound cutting through Sirius' chest. "But all those years of studying were worthless because no one would hire a monster...And that's my reality...I feel like I am not worthy of you." 

 

The anger was burning inside Sirius, making him want to storm to the ministry and wreck it to the ground. "That's bullshit," he muttered, resisting the urge to yell. "I don't care what that fucker says! I don't care that the world is gone crazy and you might not get a good job because of that! I want to spend my life with you, Remus! That's all that matters to me! You're all that matter!" 

 

Remus sighed, running a hand through his hair and for a second Sirius thought he would leave. But Remus gripped the front of Sirius' robes and pushed him against the wall, capturing his lips in a rough and desperate kiss. 

 

"Fuck you," Remus muttered in the kiss. "You make it so hard to walk away."

 

Scared that Remus would leave, Sirius' hands instinctively. came up to hold Remus' shoulder. "I don't want you to walk away, Re. Please. Stay."

 

Remus' eyes were staring into Sirius', desire and desperation burning in them. "I want to stop thinking about that," he whispered and trailed his lips along Sirius' jaw bone and neck. "I need you." 

 

A shuddering breath escaped Sirius as Remus slipped Sirius' robes off. "Please don't do that ever again," he breathed out. "I think my heart almost stopped when you started walking lo walk away." 

 

Remus pulled back, head bowed down. "I am so sorry... I shouldn't have-" 

 

"Remus," Sirius cut him off, "Shut up and kiss me." 

 

Remus smiled– a sad and barely there smile– but it was a smile. And when his lips met Sirius' again, Sirius felt a smile blooming on his lips as well. 

 

'I look at you now and I want this forever  
I might not deserve it but there's nothing better  
Don't know how I ever did it all without you  
My heart is about to, about to jump out of my chest  
Feelings they come and they go, that they do  
Feelings they come and they go, not with you.'

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ... Sorry about that...  
> Find me on Tumblr under username  
> [ "Of-stars-and-moon"](https://of-stars-and-moon.tumblr.com/)


	22. Chapter 22

July 1980, 

 

Two months.

 

It had been two months, one week and four days since Sirius had seen Remus. He couldn't find much time to go to the Order headquarters or to James' and Lily's home and even when he did, Remus was usually on a mission. They couldn't even share letters due to the fear of the letters being seen by someone else. Sirius had barely even seen James and Lily during this time. 

 

But the good thing was that he would probably be able to see them today at St. Mungo's. The last time he had seen James and Lily, they had told him that the baby might be born on the thirty-first of July. 

 

They had decided the names too, Harry if it was a boy and Ruby if it was a girl. Sirius couldn't wait to see the baby.

 

Right now, he and some other Death Eaters were in a meeting with the Dark Lord. The Dark Lord's hood was casting shadows over his face, but his eyes seemed to be shining. 

 

Sirius hated these meetings, when they would plan more attacks and speak about people of Order that they had killed or tortured. He just wanted to get out of here. 

 

Suddenly, the door flung open and Snape hurried in. "My Lord, there is something you need to know." 

 

"Very well, Severus. Go ahead," the Dark Lord commanded. 

 

"I heard a prophecy about your fate." 

 

"What did it say?" The Dark Lord inquired. 

 

"I could only hear half of it."

 

The Dark Lord's face darkened, red eyes narrowing at Snape. "You came here listening to only half of the prophecy." 

 

"But it's useful, My Lord!" Snape added quickly. "It states that The one with the power to vanquish the Dark Lord approaches...born to those who have thrice defied him, born as the seventh month dies." 

 

"The Potters and Longbottoms were expecting babies this month, weren't they?" Bellatrix asked, eyes gleaming with hate.

 

Fear crept up inside Sirius. 'No! No! The prophecy could be about James' and Lily's baby! This wasn't right.'

 

"Then we just have to end them and that's it. There is nothing to worry about." The Dark Lord smiled, evil dancing in his eyes.

 

Sirius was doing everything in his power to keep his thoughts unreadable. Thankfully, Dumbledore had suggested him to learn Occlumency so that the Dark Lord wouldn't know about his alliance with the Order. 

 

He was extremely relieved when The Dark Lord ordered them to leave. 

 

As soon as the Death Eaters scattered out of the room, Sirius apparated to St. Mungo's. He had to tell them about the prophecy.

 

As he entered the ward, he realized he couldn't tell them just yet. Lily was sitting on the bed, cradling her baby to her chest. She looked exhausted and weak, but happy. 

 

James was standing besides her, one hand on Lily's shoulder and the other stroking the baby's head softly and he had the happiest smile on his face. 

 

Remus and Peter were also standing there, looking at them with love and adoration. The happiness on all of their faces broke Sirius, the prophecy getting repeated in his ears again and again. 

 

How? How could he ever get the courage to say the prophecy to them? How could he see this pure happiness disappear from their faces and getting replaced by fear, sadness, worry?

 

"Sirius!" Remus exclaimed, noticing Sirius standing here. Sirius shut the door behind him as Remus pulled him in a deep kiss. 

 

Two months. 

 

It had been two months, one week and four days since Remus had kissed him. If the circumstances were different, Sirius would have forgotten everything around him, he would have felt like floating on clouds, the kiss would have made all his worries go away.

 

But this time, the kiss didn't make Sirius forget everything around him. Even through the butterflies fluttering in his stomach, the dreadful feeling was still there. 

 

As they broke apart, Sirius managed a smile. "I missed you," he told Remus. 

 

"Me too," Remus replied. 

 

As they walked to James and Lily, Sirius' heart was getting heavier and heavier with every step. James picked the baby up in his arms and turned towards Sirius. "You wanna hold Harry?" he offered. 

 

"Harry?" he repeated as he held out his arms, carefully taking him from James. 'So, it was a boy.' 

 

Harry opened his eyes and his green eyes– just like Lily's– were staring up at Sirius. Sirius hadn't really ever been with kids, but Harry had to be the cutest baby he had ever seen. 

 

They had finally had a family, James and Lily. They had found some happiness during this war but now the Dark Lord was after them. The mere thought that they were in danger made a lump form in Sirius' throat. He shut his eyes as he felt tears burning behind his eyelids.

 

"Sirius? Are you okay?" Remus asked, placing his hand on Sirius' shoulder. 

 

"Yeah...It's...I have never held a baby before and he is so cute." He let out a teary chuckle. "He has got your eyes, Lily," he said, trying his best to hold back his tears. 

 

"Look Harry," James said, smiling down at Harry, "You made Uncle Sirius emotional." 

 

Sirius sniffed and swallowed past the lump in his throat. He bowed down and brushed a kiss on Harry's forehead. Harry blinked up at him with wide eyes, scrunching his nose. 

 

As Sirius gave him back to James, the door opened and Dumbledore entered. "Mister and Misses Potter, Congratulations." He smiled but the usual twinkle in his eyes was lost. "The baby looks really healthy." 

 

His gaze rested on Sirius and there was familiar expressions in them, like he knew what Sirius was thinking, which made Sirius realize that Dumbledore would have also heard of the Prophecy. 

 

"Mister Black, can I talk to you outside for a moment?" he asked. 

 

"Yeah, sure," Sirius agreed. 

 

Dumbledore left the room and as Sirius was about to follow him, Remus held his arm. "Sirius? Is everything okay? You look worried and now Dumbledore wants to talk to you. You can tell me anything, you know?" 

 

Sirius forced a laugh. "Re, it's nothing...He probably wants to ask about the Dark Lord's plans. Stop worrying so much, love." 

 

"Hmm, you're right." 

 

"Can you believe we are uncles now?" Sirius said, changing the topic.

 

The smile that lit up Remus' face simultaneously made Sirius smile and his heart ache. He wanted to capture this happiness on Remus' face forever. 

 

"He'll be so loved," Remus said and glanced at Harry, eyes full of love.

 

"Yeah, I think we all might really spoil him," Sirius added, ignoring the voice in his head reminding him of what was coming. 

 

"You should probably talk to Dumbledore now," Remus said.

 

"Yeah, I should go." Sirius pressed a lingering kiss to Remus' lips and walked out of the room. 

 

Dumbledore was standing there in the corridor. As they started walking away from the room, Sirius spoke, "You know about the Prophecy?" 

 

Dumbledore nodded. "I was talking to Sibrel when she said the prophecy. How did you hear about it?" 

 

"Snape," Sirius answered. "He came in the meeting and told the Dark Lord about that." 

 

Dumbledore pursed his lips, "Voldemort knows about it?" 

 

Sirius nodded.

 

"That puts the Potters and Longbottoms in danger." 

 

"Yeah, he said that they would end the family and then there was nothing to worry about." Even saying these words was hard.

 

"I assume that you haven't told them about the Prophecy." 

 

Sirius shook his head. "I couldn't bring myself to." He ran his hands through his hair. "I didn't want to ruin their happiness." 

 

"But they have to know. Every minute they spend being unaware of the Prophecy, they are at risk." 

 

Sirius worried his bottom lip. "Is there nothing we can do to keep them safe from the Dark Lord?"

 

Dumbledore looked thoughtful for some seconds before saying, "There might be something. But before that, I need to tell them about the Prophecy. And I think you should go back to the Death Eaters and see what they plan for the future." 

 

A part in Sirius wanted to stay here and be with them when they would hear the dreadful news but he didn't know if he would be able to handle it and he couldn't say no to Dumbledore, so he simply nodded. 

 

"And meet me in the Order Headquarters afterwards." 

 

"Okay," Sirius muttered, not really caring why Dumbledore wanted that, and disapparated.

 

'Soldier keep on marchin' on  
Head down til the work is done  
Waiting on that morning sun  
Soldier keep on marchin' on'

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you all liked it! Reviews are really loved! Next updates will hopefully be quicker now!  
> And find me on Tumblr under username  
> [ "Of-stars-and-moon"](https://of-stars-and-moon.tumblr.com/)


	23. Chapter 23

When Sirius came back to the Order headquarters, Dumbledore was there, talking to Marlene and Dorcas. As he saw Sirius, he excused himself from them and walked towards him. 

 

"Dumbledore, the Dark Lord has targeted Harry. He says that Harry is his equal, something like he saw himself in Harry," Sirius rambled, feeling confused and worried. 

 

"Don't worry, Mister Black. We have found a way to keep the Potters safe." 

 

"You did?" Sirius asked hopefully. 

 

Dumbledore nodded. "I think you should talk to Mister Lupin about it. He'll tell you. I have to leave now." 

 

"Alright, I'll talk to him," Sirius muttered and walked to their room in the headquarters.

 

He opened the door and went inside. Remus was sitting against a wall, looking at the ceiling with a thoughtful look.

 

Without saying anything, Sirius sat down besides Remus, their shoulders brushing. 

 

Leaning his head on Sirius' shoulder, Remus spoke, "You knew about the Prophecy when you came to St. Mungo's, didn't you? That's why you were...so upset."

 

"Yeah, I did know that," Sirius admitted. "I am sorry for not telling you all...I couldn't." 

 

"It's alright...Seeing you say the Prophecy would've been even more hard." None of them said anything for a while before Remus spoke again, "You know, when I held Harry for the first time, it had felt like things might get better...I don't know why, but I had the hope that everything will be okay." 

 

"Maybe it can still," Sirius replied, nuzzling Remus' hair. "Dumbledore had said that there was a way to keep them safe." 

 

"Yeah, he told us about that." Remus hesitated for a second. "Sirius, do you- do you know what is the Fidelius charm?" 

 

"Yeah, when a place is kept hidden and only one person knows about that." 

 

"James and Lily went into hiding through the Fidelius charm-" Remus muttered. He didn't finish the sentence but Sirius already knew what he had to say. 

 

"And you are the secret keeper?" The words brought a bitter taste to Sirius' mouth. Panic filled his chest, choking up his throat. "Fuck, please say you're not the secret keeper. Please," he mumbled, pressing his palms to his eyes.

 

Remus sat up straight. "There was no choice, Sirius." 

 

"No, Remus! This is too dangerous," Sirius said.

 

Remus moved to face Sirius, sitting in front of him now. "I had to do it, Sirius. I can't let anything happen to them-" 

 

"What about you?" Sirius argued. "What if something happens to you?" 

 

"Sirius, it will be okay." 

 

"No! It won't, Remus! What if the Death Eaters get you?" He ran his hands through his hair. The realization hit him suddenly. "But I can be there! If the Death Eaters get you, I can be there and fight them and help you esca-" 

 

"Sirius, there's something I've to tell you about that," Remus interrupted him. He took a deep breath before speaking, "If I get caught by the Death Eaters and you try to save me and fight them, it'll be dangerous...You can't put yourself in risk." 

 

"Of course I will for you, Re...I don't care if that's dangerous...I have to protect you." 

 

"Sirius, you can't do that...You can't risk your life and your secret identity in the Death Eaters for me." 

 

"You're asking me to do nothing if you're in danger?!" Sirius asked incredulously. 

 

"We don't have a choice," Remus said. 

 

Sirius opened his mouth to argue but Remus cut him off, "Sirius, listen to me. If I get caught...and you've to choose between saving me and protecting yourself, promise me, you'll choose yourself." 

 

Sirius shook his head. "No, Remus! I can't do that!" 

 

"Sirius, please don't make this so hard," Remus' voice was close to breaking. 

 

Sirius could hear his own voice breaking as he spoke, "Re, I can't...What will I do if something happens to you?" 

 

Remus sighed. "Maybe if we're lucky...That won't happen. But if it does, please promise me you won't try to save me." 

 

Sirius could feel tears building up in his eyes, his heart was screaming not to agree to this. But in his mind he knew Remus was right, they couldn't risk Sirius' alliance with the Order getting exposed. "Re, please don't make me do this?" he said, desperation filled in his voice. 

 

"I've to, Sirius. We don't know what might happen. But you're really important to the Order, we can't lose that." 

 

"Fuck," Sirius muttered through gritted teeth. He pressed his palms to his eyes and said, "...Okay, I promise." He hated himself for agreeing, every part of him wanted nothing more than to run away with Remus, far from this war, to a place where they could just live their lives without the fear of losing each other. 

 

Remus smiled a sad and bittersweet smile and brought his hands up to Sirius' neck. "Remember in seventh year, when you revealed that you had joined the Death Eaters and I made you promise me to try to stay out of danger but you just went ahead and decided to work as a spy?" He chuckled, a bit watery and forced. 

 

Sirius nodded. It was weird but he even missed that moment because at least they were still at Hogwarts at that time. At least they weren't thrown in this war.

 

"Just please don't break this promise," Remus whispered. 

 

Sirius shut his eyes and placed his hands around Remus', leaning in the touch. "I won't," he promised. 

 

"Today was a tiring day... Let's go to sleep now, huh?" Remus suggested. 

 

Sirius nodded in agreement and they went to bed. Sirius pressed a tender kiss to Remus' lips and snuggled close to him, gripping Remus' shirt tightly.

 

\----

 

The next morning, Sirius woke up to find the space besides him empty, which meant that Remus had left. He hugged the sheets closer to him, inhaling Remus' scent on them.

 

Suddenly his eyes caught a piece of parchment on the table. He picked it up and couldn't help the small smile on his lips as he saw Remus' handwriting. 

 

'Sirius,   
I have to go to meet Dumbledore and James to talk about the secret keeper thing. I had thought about walking you up, but you seemed really relaxed and I didn't want to ruin your sleep. Also, I had to say something I don't think you'd have listened to if you were awake.  
Sirius, if anything happens to me, I want you to move on. Don't waste your whole life mourning me.  
Love you   
-Remus.'

 

The smile dropped from Sirius' face as he re-read the last sentences, the feeling of despair and emptiness filling him again. The parchment crumbled as he clenched his fist. He almost thought of throwing it away but then taking a deep breath, he sat up, legs dangling from the side of the bed, and kept the note in his pocket. 

 

\----

 

It was almost noon Sirius was on a mission with Bellatrix in a hideout. "Did you hear," Bellatrix began, "That the Potters are gone into hiding?" 

 

How did she know about that? "I...I didn't know that," Sirius lied. "Where did you hear that?" 

 

"I have my ways," Bellatrix boasted??? "It doesn't take much intimidation to make someone talk." 

 

"Someone from the Order told you about it?" Sirius questioned. 

 

Before Bellatrix could answer a Death Eater apparated there suddenly.

 

"Bellatrix! We got a member of the Order and Snape told me to call you," he said hastily.

 

"That's good," Bellatrix said, satisfaction in her voice. "Let's go, cousin." 

 

"What about this mission?" Sirius asked. 

 

"We've got a more important thing to do." At the eagerness in her voice, Sirius had to suppress a shudder.

 

As they apparated to another building, Sirius let Bellatrix and the other Death Eater walk forward. He waited till they turned around the corridor before conjuring a patronus, sending their address to the Order and calling for backup.

 

Then, he quickly followed Bellatrix to a room, where the captured person was. 'Please don't be Remus, Please don't be Remus,' he prayed silently.

 

As they entered, Sirius' breath was knocked out of his lungs and his knees almost gave up beneath him.

 

In the middle of the room was Remus, strapped to a chair.

 

'Oh, the storm is raging against us now  
If you're afraid of falling, then don't look down  
But we took the step, and we took the leap  
And we'll take what comes, take what comes'

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> .... Sorry about that...  
> Find me on Tumblr under username  
> [ "Of-stars-and-moon"](https://of-stars-and-moon.tumblr.com/)


	24. Chapter 24

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Last chapter ending: As they entered, Sirius' breath was knocked out of his lungs and his knees almost gave up beneath him.
> 
> In the middle of the room was Remus, strapped to a chair.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings: Graphic depictions of violence, blood, injuries

"Remus Lupin, remember me from school?" Bellatrix asked and took off her mask. "Come on, you guys. He was our schoolmate, there's no need for these masks and anyway-" She walked to Remus, a wicked smile on her lips, "-It's not like he's going to leave." 

 

Some others took out their masks as well, but Sirius couldn't. He felt frozen like someone had thrown a bucket of ice over him. Bellatrix put her hand on the chair, glowering at Remus. "So, I heard that your dear friends have gone into hiding by using the Fidelius Charm. So, of course, you're their secret keeper, aren't you?" 

 

Remus didn't answer, just stared back at her.

 

"Let's start this simply. Where are they hiding?" 

 

"You know I will never tell you that," Remus replied. 

 

Bellatrix slapped him, making Remus' lip split. Sirius shut his eyes, suppressing the anger and fear creeping up in him. 

 

"Using magic is fun," Bellatrix said, "But there's a different satisfaction in hurting someone with your own hands." 

 

Remus gave a chuckle. "You like it the Muggle way, then? And you say you hate muggles." 

 

Bellatrix's eyes flashed dangerously. "Oh, now this is going to be fun," she said, eagerness and malice in her voice. 

 

Bile filled up in Sirius' throat, heart thramming fearfully as Bellatrix swished her wand, spell hitting Remus' arm. Blood ran down his arm, a streak of red, soaking his robe.

 

"Why are some of you still wearing masks?" There was a weird annoyance in Bellatrix's voice now. "There's no need for them. Take them off," she pressed.

 

The rest also took off their masks. Sirius inhaled deeply, taking off his mask as well with trembling fingers, eyes staring at Remus. He could see the flicker of surprise in Remus' eyes, before they were filled with regret like he didn't want Sirius to be here. 

 

With another swish of her wand, Bellatrix cut the ropes around Remus and held his arm, roughly bringing him to his knees. "I want to see you struggle," she spat out. Another flick of her wand and there was a gash across Remus' chest this time. 

 

"So change your mind yet?" she asked after hitting him with more spells. 

 

Remus shook his head and spat out some blood. "Never." 

 

Bellatrix shrugged. "Alright, you've asked for this." She took a step back, wand aimed at Remus. Sirius knew the spell that was coming, could see it in the dark glint in Bellatrix's eyes, the way she looked so eager. He wanted to shout, stop her from this madness, even kill her. But Remus' promise kept going on over and over in his mind. He couldn't break it.

 

"Crucio!" Remus braced himself up on his hands as the spell hit him, whole body shaking. Sirius knew that Remus was suppressing the pain, his shoulders were tense and he was biting his lip hard. Sirius' throat choked up with the urge to cry or shout.

 

"Come on, it's not worth the pain," Bellatrix said as she stopped the curse. "Are you really willing to brace all this pain for your friends?" 

 

Remus looked up at her, face pale and eyes unfocused. It hurt so much to see him like this and the worst thing was that he was throwing a mask over the pain. "I am willing to do anything for them," he replied, voice tight.

 

"Alright then. Crucio!" The spell caught Remus off guard and he screamed as he fell down on his hands, crippling in pain. 

 

His screams cut through Sirius' chest. Under his robes, he pressed his nails into his arms so hard that he cut the skin, making it bleed. 

 

He couldn't do this anymore. "Bellatrix stop!"

 

Bellatrix moved her attention away from Remus and turned around to face Sirius. "What?" She walked towards him, eyeing him in suspicion. "Are you feeling sorry for him?" 

 

Sirius swallowed past the lump in his throat. "No. But you might...you might kill him. The Dark Lord won't be happy about that. We need him right now. And you know that the secret keeper has to give away the location willingly. If you kill him, we won't know where the Potters are hiding." He glanced at Remus, who was looking up at him with wide eyes. He looked so broken, his robes soaked with blood, face white and body trembling violently. Sirius hated himself for not being able to do anything. 

 

Bellatrix snorted. "Don't worry, I won't kill him." She looked back at Remus. "I am going to make you beg for death." 

 

Remus' lips quirked up in a small smile. "Is that a promise?" His eyes flickered to Sirius for a second and Sirius couldn't breathe. 'God, Remus was still thinking of the Promise. He still wanted Sirius to keep his identity secret instead of saving Remus.' 

 

As Bellatrix raised her wand again, Remus' eyes met Sirius' and he could see the apology and goodbye in his red-rimmed eyes 'I am sorry. I am sorry that it has to end like this. I love you.' Remus shut his eyes briefly as a tear slipped, rolling down his cheek. 

 

Sirius' heart ached, throat contracted with tears. He wished he could run to Remus, hold him in his arms, protect him. But instead he blinked rapidly against the tears burning at the back of his eyes, hoping that Remus understood the love and apology Sirius couldn't say right now.

 

'When death holds my hand  
I will hold you with the other  
And promise to find you  
In every lifetime'

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know I am going to get yelled at!! *runs away*  
> Find me on Tumblr under username  
> [ "Of-stars-and-moon"](https://of-stars-and-moon.tumblr.com/)


	25. Chapter 25

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Previous chapter ending: Sirius' heart ached, throat contracted with tears. He wished he could run to Remus, hold him in his arms, protect him. But instead he blinked rapidly against the tears burning at the back of his eyes, hoping that Remus understood the love and apology Sirius couldn't say right now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings: Hospital scene

A loud bang broke through the air, making them jump, followed by a big hole blowing up in a wall and some Order members apparated. In a flash, they started throwing spells at the Death Eaters, who responded quickly.

 

Marlene and Dorcas were at Remus' side in a second. Marlene gave a quick nod to Sirius and the two girls disapparated with Remus. 

 

"We need to leave!" Bellatrix shouted as the Order members seemed to be defeating them. They all quickly apparated to the nearest hideout. 

 

"What do we tell the Dark Lord now?" Mulciber asked, "They took Lupin! We don't have the secret keeper now!" 

 

"I don't know," Bellatrix muttered, eyes burning with rage. "How the hell did they even find us?" 

 

"I don't know but the Dark Lord won't be happy," Rosier said. "And I am not going to be the one to tell him of this incident." 

 

"Neither am I," Mulciber said. 

 

"I always knew you were cowards," Bellatrix hissed. "Fine, I'll tell the Dark Lord myself!" She disapparated, followed by the others.

 

Sirius apparated to St. Mungo's, running through the corridors as fast as he could. He felt dizzy, lungs burning due to the lack of oxygen but he kept running, praying desperately for Remus to be okay. 

 

He saw Marlene, Dorcas and Peter in a corridor with some other Order members. Marlene and Dorcas were talking to each other, both looking worried and scared. Peter was sitting away from others, he looked sick, like he was about to cry.

 

"Where is he? What did the healers say?" Sirius asked breathlessly.

 

"He is inside," Marlene replied, opening the door. 

 

As they went inside, Sirius gasped at what he saw. Remus was lying on the bed, motionless, face as white as the sheets drawn over him.

 

"The healers...They said that he suffered a lot of pain...They tried their best but he's still unconscious. So, they are calling some advanced healers," Marlene explained. 

 

"Marlene, come outside," Dorcas whispered, "Let's leave them alone for sometime." 

 

Marlene left the ward, closing the door behind her with a soft thud. 

 

Sirius sat down on a chair next to the bed, placing his shaking hand on Remus'. "Re?" His voice trembled, too close to tears. "Re, please wake up...Please don't leave me...I...You know I can't live without you." Tears welled up in his eyes, blurring his vision. "I won't ever forgive myself if you–" He licked his lips and took a forced breath, "–If you don't make it." He brought his other hand to his eyes, wiping away the tears that were threatening to fall. 

 

He wouldn't cry right now. People cry when someone has died, and Remus wasn't going to die. He was going to be okay. He was going to wake up soon. 

 

He had to. For Sirius. 

 

The door opened and some healers walked in along with Marlene and Dorcas. "Sirius, those healers might be able to help," Marlene said softly. "You should come out with us. Dumbledore is here." 

 

Dumbledore. He knew the dangers that Remus would have to go through after being the secret keeper. He knew that Sirius would be against the idea of Remus becoming the secret keeper. That's why he made Sirius go back to the Death Eaters afters Harry's birth. 

 

Sirius got up suddenly and stormed off the ward. Dumbledore was standing outside. 

 

"You knew!" Sirius said angrily. "You fucking knew this was dangerous for Remus! That's why you didn't want me to be there when you told them about the Fidelius charm! Because you knew I wouldn't let Remus put himself in danger!" 

 

"Mister Black, it's not what you think." 

 

"I don't care!" Sirius yelled. "The only thing that matters is Remus almost died today! I almost saw the boy I love die right in front of me! He is not going to be the secret keeper anymore," he declared. 

 

"But Mister Lupin volunteered himself-" 

 

"It doesn't matter. I am not letting him be at risk again," he said with an air of finality. "I will be the secret keeper, but not him."

 

Dumbledore hesitated for a moment before he opened his mouth to speak, "That won't–" 

 

"Oh, but you can't trust me enough for that, can you?" Sirius glared at Dumbledore. "Because after all I am a Black." 

 

"I can be the secret keeper." Peter's voice made Sirius remember that there were others here too. They turned to Peter.

 

"Mister Pettigrew, are you sure about that?" Dumbledore asked. 

 

Peter nodded, though it looked like there were a hundred thoughts going in his mind. "I can hide someplace safe and that way James, Lily and Harry will be safe as well." There was a certain fear in his eyes but Sirius couldn't think much about it. 

 

"Very well," Dumbledore said. "We'll talk about it to the Potters tomorrow evening. And don't worry, Mister Black, I can assure you that Mister Lupin will be safe now. There are aurors guarding his ward."

 

"Okay," Sirius muttered, giving Dumbledore a short nod. 

 

"I should leave now," Dumbledore said and walked away. "I have to go to the ministry tomorrow morning." 

 

Sirius slumped down against the wall and put his head on his knees, taking slow, deep breaths. The crescent marks of his nails on his arm ached with a dull sting.

 

After some minutes, Marlene, Dorcas and Peter sat near him and engaged him in a conversation. He didn't speak much but it was at least good to get a little distracted by them. Marlene and Dorcas were easily talking about many topics, taking Sirius' attention, but Peter was mostly quiet. He looked slightly uncomfortable, Sirius noticed. Maybe he was worrying about Remus or had something else on his mind. 

 

\----

 

They were sitting there for over two hours, when finally a healer came and told them that Remus was conscious now. 

 

Overwhelmed with joy and relief, Sirius sprinted into the ward. As he saw Remus, with his eyes open finally, he let out a breath. With shaking legs, he walked to the bed and sat down on the chair.

 

Remus gingerly lifted his hand and Sirius took it. Remus' fingers wrapped around Sirius' and Sirius lost his breath. He had almost lost this. He had almost lost the chance to hold Remus' hand ever again, to feel Remus' pulse under his fingertips, to see those beautiful eyes staring back at him.

 

"...How are you feeling?" Sirius asked, even though it was stupid question. He didn't know what else to say. "Are you still in pain?" 

 

"I am fine," Remus replied, voice hoarse, which made Sirius remember his screams. Sirius shut his eyes as the memory made the ache in his heart return. 

 

"I was so terrified," Sirius whispered, opening his eyes to look to Remus again. "I thought I would lose you…" The thought made panic rise in Sirius' chest once again, knocking out his breath. "Why? Why did you ever make me promise that?" he choked out. "Did you really think I would be able to live for even a day without you? How could I–" he broke off, unable to speak against the lump in his throat. 

 

"Hey, I am okay now. I agree that it was a really close call, but it's alright now...And... Sirius?" 

 

Sirius sniffed. "Yeah?" 

 

"Thank you for not breaking the promise." 

 

"I couldn't...I was really close to breaking it, you know...but I couldn't." 

 

"I am glad you didn't." Remus smiled at him. 

 

A healer came inside. "I am sorry to interrupt but you should leave now," he told Sirius. "He needs to rest." 

 

"Of course." Sirius got up and brushed a soft kiss to Remus' forehead, hands stroking Remus' hair. "I love you," he whispered. 

 

"I love you too," Remus replied.

 

Sirius left the ward and went to Marlene and Dorcas.

 

"How is he?" Marlene asked at the same time as Dorcas said, "The healers said he will be okay, how was he?" 

 

"He said he was fine," Sirius answered. "He needs rest though." 

 

"It's late now, you should probably leave," Marlene said. 

 

"Yeah, you're right," he agreed. He couldn't go to James' and Lily's because it was possible that they probably didn't know about this yet. He should just go home.

 

He bid goodbye to them and decided to talk to the healers first, before he would go back to Grimmauld Place.

 

'I know it hurts  
It's hard to breathe sometimes  
These nights are long  
You've lost the will to fight  
Is anybody out there?  
Can you lead me to the light  
Is anybody out there?  
Tell me it'll all be alright'

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tried to write some fluff in it but even that became angsty!  
> Find me on Tumblr under username  
> [ "Of-stars-and-moon"](https://of-stars-and-moon.tumblr.com/)


	26. Chapter 26

Sirius reached the Grimmauld Place, feeling like the dark halls were closing in on him. Shaking off the thoughts, he made his way swiftly to his room and threw off his robes. 

 

He knew he wouldn't be able to sleep alone today. Maybe he should go to Regulus' room. Just as he thought of that, the door opened and Sirius turned around to find that it was Regulus. 

 

"Hey, Reg!" Just seeing him here made Sirius feel a bit better. 

 

"Sirius, I had feared that you wouldn't be here today," he breathed out in relief. He walked to Sirius' bed and threw himself on the bed.

 

"Bad mission?" Sirius asked as he laid down beside Regulus, staring up at the ceiling. They always had this habit, whenever they would be talking during the night, they would face the ceiling and talk under the dim light.

 

"The worst," Regulus replied. "I...You know, I had thought that maybe I could go through this war without breaking...I had thought that seeing the others hurting people may get easier after a while or I might get used to it." He paused– probably finding the courage– before continuing, "Carrow and the others killed a Muggle family today." 

 

Sirius shifted his head sharply to look at Regulus, he could see the sadness evident on his brother's face. It was obvious that this wasn't the first time they would have killed someone, but it was the first time Regulus had seen them do it.

 

"It was terrible," Regulus said, voice cracking. "And a part of me wanted to stop them but I couldn't...I just didn't do anything." He sniffed, rubbing his eyes. "I feel like it's my fault." 

 

"Reg, it's not your fault! Carrow and all the others, they are fucking crazy! If you would have tried to stop them...They would have been angry...I know it's hard. It's so fucking hard to see people getting hurt–" The image of Remus crippling in pain due to the Cruciatus curse filled Sirius' mind and he shook his head to push the thought away. "But we don't have a choice." 

 

"I know...But it's that...Being with all the other Death Eaters and seeing them do bad things but not being able to do anything, I feel like what if I am becoming a bad person? I am a Death Eater, what if that makes me a bad person?" 

 

"Reg, listen to me. The world isn't split into good people and Death Eaters. We've all got both light and dark inside us. What matters is the part we choose to act on. That's who we really are," Sirius said, "And the war is going to end someday. The Order is getting stronger, they might defeat the Dark Lord, then this will be over." 

 

"And then what? We go to Azkaban?" Regulus said bitterly. 

 

"No! I won't let that happen! We can just go into hiding from the ministry or run away." 'Dumbledore will keep you away from Azkaban' was the unsaid part. "We'll make it through this together." 

 

"What if that doesn't happen?" Regulus muttered. "What if the Dark Lord wins and the Death Eaters keep hurting and killing people?"

 

"I don't know...I honestly don't even want to think about that...But even if that happens, at least we'll always have each other, right?" 

 

"Yeah, we will," Regulus agreed. "I am the luckiest person to have a brother like you, Sirius," he said with a soft smile.

 

A smile stretched itself across Sirius' lips as well. "Well, you're wrong because I am sure I am the luckiest." 

 

Regulus exhaled. "You know I really love you, right?" His voice was thick with emotions and Sirius noticed that Regulus' eyes were glistening with tears, which made his chest tight.

 

"Yeah, of course I know that. And I love you too," Sirius replied.

 

It looked like Regulus wanted to say something else too but instead he turned towards Sirius and wrapped his arm around him. "Goodnight, Sirius." 

 

"Goodnight, Reg," he said, hugging his younger brother.

 

He wanted to tell Regulus about his alliance with the Order, about his friends, about Remus. But he knew that Regulus would want to join the Order too. And he couldn't put his brother in danger. 

 

Someday Sirius would tell him. When the war would end and everything would be okay, Sirius would tell him everything. 

 

\----

 

The next morning, Regulus wasn't at home and neither was Kreacher, which was a bit strange. Sirius didn't remember the last time he had seen the elf leave the house.

 

When he asked his parents about it, it turned out that they also had no idea about it. So, Sirius assumed that Regulus might have gone to the Death Eaters safehouse.

 

Sirius needed to find out more about the Death Eater's plans to kill Harry, so he apparated to their safehouse. As he was walking through the corridors, he heard voices coming from a room. He pressed his ear to the wall near the door and the voices turned out to be Bellatrix and Narcissa. The door was left open slightly but he didn't risk peeking through it. 

 

"–It turned out to be a good thing that Lupin escaped yesterday," Bellatrix was saying. 

 

Narcissa scoffed. "I don't see how." 

 

"Potter's best friends at school were Lupin and Pettigrew. Since I almost killed Lupin yesterday, they would have to change the secret keeper and who will they choose now?" 

 

"Pettigrew," Narcissa answered. "And you think he'll give away their location? What if we can't even capture him?" 

 

Bellatrix gave a shrill and dark laugh, which made a weird feeling pool in Sirius' stomach. This wasn't going to be good. 

 

"Oh, he'll come to me himself," Bellatrix said.

 

"Why's that?" Narcissa questioned. 

 

"It is really easy to persuade him. Just some threatening and he stuttered out about the Fidelius charm. He knows he can't hide away from us and what I had thought about him was wrong, he is rather a clever boy. He knows it's best for him to be on our side. Just wait till they make him the secret keeper and he'll be here and we'll finally end the Potters for good." 

 

Sirius froze, heart pounding in his chest. 'Fuck! It was Peter! He told her about the Fidelius charm! They are going to make him the fucking secret keeper!' 

 

He walked away quickly and apparated to Grimmauld Place. 'James, Lily and Harry! They were in danger! He had to stop it! He had to make Dumbledore aware of this! Dumbledore would be at the ministry right now! He needed to go to the ministry! 

 

Suddenly, the door opened and Kreacher walked in, trembling from head to feet and his wide, big eyes were shining with tears. 

 

"Master Sirius, I need to go to Dumbledore. I need to see him," he whimpered. 

 

Sirius frowned in worry. He wanted to ask if something was wrong and if Kreacher knew where Regulus was but he had no time to waste. He had to hurry. 

 

He held Kreacher's hand to apparate, but he didn't notice a piece of parchment and a green locket in Kreacher's other hand.

 

'Shadows settle on the place, that you left,  
Our minds are troubled by the emptiness.  
Destroy the middle, it's a waste of time,  
From the perfect start to the finish line.'

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ...... I.... I am sorry....   
> Comments are really loved (though you guys are going to yell at me)   
> Find me on Tumblr under username  
> [ "Of-stars-and-moon"](https://of-stars-and-moon.tumblr.com/)


End file.
